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Muslim Blogs > Fatima22's blogs > BEING SINGLE... UNISLAMIC???
BEING SINGLE... UNISLAMIC??? Sort by:
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fatima22
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Posted on Wed, Oct 04, 2006 08:25

When I rejected a recent proposal to an arranged marriage, the self-appointed matchmaker was very disappointed in me. She claimed that I had **tampered with fate** by not accepting what could have been a sign from Allah to end my singlehood. When I said that marriage was not actually one of my priorities at the moment; I kinda like my present state of independence, and in any case cupid has not struck its arrow yet....... she reproached me for being unislamic ! This is something new to me?? 1)Can I really **tamper with my fate**? 2)Is it **unislamic** to be single? My matchmaker friend added: No Marriage - No Children! No Children - No Heritage.... Unislamic! I am missing out on **Love**...Unislamic ! Love??? My parents are divorced; 2 of my cousins and my best friend too. They are singles now. Funny how couples can be madly in love before marriage but the relationship changes after marriage. Married couples may still love each other but a lot do not seem to be **in love** with each other like before. I am grateful just to have genuine friendship. And I do plan t have children! I may adopt some children from the orphanage......or the orphanage can **adopt me**.....my time, my wealth, my all! Still my matchmaker said....It is Unislamic!!!


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jlseagull
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Posted on Fri, Mar 30, 2007 03:30

Those I have plenty..... I not only have their contacts, I am IN CONTACT with them... :)


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fatima22
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Posted on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 01:18

How about i giving you some muslim religious teachers contacts? :)


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jlseagull
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Posted on Tue, Mar 27, 2007 23:52

How about you giving me the match-maker's contact? :)


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fatima22
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Posted on Tue, Mar 27, 2007 10:24

Salamualaikum, Without realisng it, by the Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi quoted and the advice of the brothers, it seems that my match maker was correct in accusing me of being unislamic! She'd be happy to know this! Funny, she just called to meet me tomorrow and it reminded me of this blog i had written...She had said that all it would take is the green light from me and i could be engaged to be married by the end of the season! She's known to be effcient in her work :D It is not that i have made a decision not to get married. I am sure no female in the right frame of mind would wish it. No man (or woman) is an island, so naturally everyone seeks for a partner and companions. Apart from some pressing committments, i was waiting for some sign from Allah, because throughout my life, things have always happened by coincidence or spontanity. I had never planned my life's outcomes...like my first encounter with the Quran which eventually led to my reverting.....my career, which I have never applied for jobs since leaving school but i was approached each time to work for one company to another till i now run my own business...my travels which led to many significant experiences.....etc... So likewise, I was merely waiting for Allah (swt) to lead me to my would be husband! I have always felt Allah's Presence in my life as if He is holding my hand and leading me on....so since i did not get any strong feelings previously from the match maker's proposals, i rejected based on my instincts (which i hope, was guided...!) Perhaps it's time to review....


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baqi9
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Posted on Sat, Mar 17, 2007 08:33

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #605, Narrated Ali ibn Abu Talib Transmitted by Tirmidhi. Allah's Apostle said: Ali, there are three matters which should not be deferred: the Prayer when its time is due, the funeral as soon it is ready, and the case of a woman without a husband, when there is a suitable (spouse) for her in her class.


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fatima22
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Posted on Fri, Mar 16, 2007 10:31

Assalamualaikum brother Abu Jamiyah Thank you! Yes you are right......I never realised the fact that i may unconsciously be committing shirk by the mention of cupid, Allah forbid! It was just a matter of phrase to me at the time when i wrote it, but i agree i should be more careful and refrain from such usage. Jazakallah Khair.


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AbuJamiylah
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Posted on Thu, Mar 15, 2007 05:47

As-Salaamu 'alaykum Resepcted Sister Fatima, I can certainly understand the position that you take and in light of what we see going on in the lives of the Muslims (divorce rates, etc) I can see why you might say what you say. I am hoping I can -still- offer another perspective (respecfully). First Allaah says: "Remind, for surely the reminder only benefits the believers." So as a reminder, we believe that inspite of how things might look what Allaah and His Messenger say is the truth. Prophet Muhammad did say that marriage is half of faith. And the sacrificing of the "I" is part of what makes marriage from Imaan or Ibaadah (worship). While it is not "haraam" (prohibited) to be single, it is 'haraam" and unislaamic to make a "decision" not to get married. By this I do not mean deciding not to marry a certain person, but not to get married at all. The struggles that we go through with each other in this day and time is nothing compared to what the Companions had to endure for the sake of Allaah. But they endured it nonetheless. And again this is not argumentative, just wanted to add this perspective. Also to caution you , My Muslim Sister, to be careful of potential shirk. When you said this (as light as you might have intended it) "and in any case cupid has not struck its arrow yet." You must remember that this is tantamount to calling upon another "god" with Allaah as Cupid is the name of a pagan god. With best regard and May Allaah Bless you AMEEN Your Brother In Islaam Abu Jamiylah


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soomro166
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Posted on Thu, Mar 15, 2007 02:49

hi how ru? im Touqeer soomro 19 khi pakistan so u wanna friend ship wth me


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1Jewel
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Posted on Fri, Feb 23, 2007 04:50

salaam Thanks for het well wishes F. your duas are appreciated. take care. salam


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fatima22
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Posted on Fri, Feb 16, 2007 14:51

Assalamualaikum 1Jewel I can sympathise with your plight because i was in a similar situaion. That time i had not even reverted yet. The guy was 11 years older than me but actually age was the least of my bother. He was wealthy, good looking, well groomed, and even looked much younger than his age. People who've seen us together never noticed the wide age difference between us. My mother liked him a lot. But somehow, i did not get that feeling inside me that made me feel i wanted to be married to him. Perhaps like you, i did not connect with him.......not that our conversations were boring......i have no problems with this as i am known for always being able to sustain conversations with anyone if i wanted to. But i have always relied on my intiutive feelings and i did not feel any "spark" or eagerness in my heart..... He was always sending me expensive gifts and i kept sending them back. One very hard gift was a Jaquar S Type car (my dream car!!) which was sooooo tempting to keep, compared to my worn out japanese car :0 And he and mum were always contacting each other too......that was how he was able to find out where i travelled to and then he would fly over and surprise me with his visits! And they were always conspiring with each other...intercepting my outing plans, mum telling him my weakpoint that it is hard for me to say NO to someone asking me to help them out of a tightspot or visiting them when they are ill. For a while i fell for the tricks of him often having headaches, backaches, stomach aches, many other "aches"... or agreeing to help out to do the marketing for his parties, sending his dog to the vet, etc, Anyway, when i rejected his marriage proposal, my mum thought i had lost my mind!! Like you said, they give us an education but cannot appreciate us to make up our own decision! Mum & I got into several heated arguments to a point that i even told her that if she liked him so much, she could go ahead and marry him, herself! She was afterall divorced from my dad.... Imagine, till today my mum could not forget what she calls "the most ridiculous mistake" that I made, and if anyone were to ask her about my marital status, she'd reply that i had been cursed to remain single for rejecting such a wonderful opportunity to be a "Tai Tai" ( This is the local term for the wife of a very wealthy guy or tycoon! ) Come to think of it, cupid is taking a rest in my case LOL....my match maker used the term "unislamic", while my mum used the term "cursed"....but for me, i would use the term "no regrets" !! LOL. Hang in there sister...... may Allah swt reduce the grief you are getting from your family and make them more understanding and supportive of your decision. Salams.


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1Jewel
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Posted on Wed, Feb 14, 2007 07:05

as salaamu alaikum I share your pain fatima. i am 28 and single. a proposal came recently and the guy is 7 yrs older than me. 7 is not too old, but at 28 it is a bit of an issue. i declined based on some 'valid' grounds i think. but i endured much grief from my family for turning him down, because they all like him b'cos he is religious. b'cos i have a career etc, i've been branded as arrogant, and full of pride etc. but at the end of the day, i just could not connect with him, i couldn't stand speaking to him, would fall asleep on the phone conversations.. it was not pleasant at all. he and I don't speak, but he still phones my mum - that i feel is a betrayal of sorts... and i can't help wonder if they are not conspiring together, its really awful. it is a pity, that our parents give us an education, but don't appreciate that we have a mind of our own and allow us to use it. May Allah make it easy for us all. Ameen


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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, Feb 12, 2007 11:53

Assalamualaikum Just wanted to share the latest situation about my match-maker...She will always make the effort to look me up if she knew I was in town and recently she told me that a mother had asked her to look for a bride for her son, BUT i am not to worry about her pesterng me because the mother had insisted on......NO REVERTS, please! I asked her the reason and she said it's because the mother felt that reverts usually do not have the support of their families and so they will not be sharing in the cost of the wedding and other expenses!! I can't help but burst out laughing because here is a case where they are not the least interested in the deen of their future daughter in law, but it boils down to dollars and cents! Well i told my matchmaker it is the mother's loss in this case for generalising female reverts, because there are those who may be able to pay for their own share of the wedding expenses due to their profession or self owned business....but this should not have been the criteria for choosing a daughter in law in the first place! Sometimes we have to face with the reality of today's world. We can quote a list of what the Prophet (bpuh) and his companions did or did not do and use them to support our arguments, but Islam is supposed to be a practical religion, and practicality should mean the need to adjust our attitudes according to the conditions of the current times, without stepping out of context or going against the Islamic teachings, of course. Even with the many hadiths and records of the Prophet's behaviour, there are those which are considered strong or weak practices. Are we to say that we will not take a plane or drive a car just because the Prophet and his companions only rode camels and horses across and around the countries?


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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, Feb 12, 2007 09:33

Assalamualikum ***This doesn't require that we "love" the person we are going to marry.*** : But it does not require us to marry a person we do not love either, just for the sake of MARRYING. To me it is like plunging into my own suicide. "True love comes in time after the marriage": This is possible, however, so does nightmares! It is not about looking for reasons not to marry. It is more about looking for reasons WHY we should marry that particular person. If we cannot conceive any feelings in our heart towards that person, should we give up our present lifestyle just because we **HAVE TO**, and then hope to develop feelings later? I feel that match makers are helpful to initiate the introduction but it should stop here. Whether the couples eventually tie the knot with each other should be left entirely upon the decison of the couples. Like what sister muslimamerica said, it is not the matchmaker who is going to spend her life with the intended person, so i do not see why the matchmaker should be annoyed for a failed union. Afterall, when i cry, i cry alone...the match maker can perhaps only issue words of sympathy.... which would do little to gather the spilled milk.


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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, Feb 12, 2007 05:02

wa'alaikum salam sister muslimamerica Your comment was more than 2 cents worth to me :) Jazakallah khair


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baqi9
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Posted on Mon, Feb 12, 2007 04:48

Sufy?n ibn ?Uyaynah (rahimahull?h) said, "The most nimble of creatures still have need of a voice. The cleverest women still need to have a husband, and the cleverest man still needs to consult wise men." If you can marry, marry. Don't look for reasons not to marry, whether it be a career, education, etc. Women, you need to marry just like men need to marry. This is part of our deen. We must try our best to marry people with good deen and good character. This doesn't require that we "love" the person we are going to marry. How can one love one they don't know? True love comes in time after the marriage.


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baqi9
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Posted on Mon, Feb 12, 2007 04:48

Saying of Salaf - Sufyan ibn 'Uyaynah Sufy?n ibn ?Uyaynah (rahimahull?h) said, "The most nimble of creatures still have need of a voice. The cleverest women still need to have a husband, and the cleverest man still needs to consult wise men." If you can marry, marry. Don't look for reasons not to marry, whether it be a career, education, etc. Women, you need to marry just like men need to marry. This is part of our deen. We must try our best to marry people with good deen and good character. This doesn't require that we "love" the person we are going to marry. How can one love one they don't know? True love comes in time after the marriage.


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Posted on Sun, Feb 11, 2007 09:46

assalamu alaykium Sister Fatima, I have enjoyed reading your blogs and had to give you my 2 cents worth on this one. You alone have to live with the person that someone else has chosen for you(in this case the one arranging the marriage). You are absolutely right to be sure. Do not rush, no hurry and always rely on salat istakhairah. And please remember that you do not have to answer on the spot. Tell the perspective man that you would like to take a few days. A sincere man should not mind waiting a few days for your answer.


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Sereen3000
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Posted on Wed, Oct 11, 2006 23:24

Women Haters!! I won't go that far. That is pretty harsh. There are certainly some general misconceptions about Muslim men in the west (by the non-Muslims and sometimes Muslim sister--sorry..it is true). However we are forgetting something important...personality DOES matter. I will leave you with a cliche "Your fingers are not the same" so go figure. I don't need to give a lecture on stereotypes because we all dealt with that at some point in life. I will leave the floor open for the sisters to say why we judge the brothers HARSHLY sometimes. And about being self-critical, it is a universal issue. I read an article on "Psychology Today" few months ago that touched upon some interesting points. No matter how confident or strong we are..we are always way more critical of ourselves than others are of us. You got a lot of great things going and a lot to offer. Don't let the self-doubt win this time. Maybe you should ask a close friend to help you if you are really really stuck. Best of Luck WS WR WB


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Sereen3000
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Posted on Tue, Oct 10, 2006 20:34

Salam Brother and thanks for your warm welcome. You better get cracking on making up your profile. Is it really that hard? just kiddin. The last ten days of Ramadan are already here :-) I can't believe how fast it went. Hopefully we will all try to reap the most of the last 10 days of this blessed month. Keep me in your dua'a and prayers all of you as I will be praying for all. Wassalm


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