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fatima22
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Posted on Tue, Jan 22, 2008 17:10

Bumped into my ex, couple of months back. We were an item during my non muslim days. We got along very well actually; same wavelength, similar interests, even same sense of humour! Our difference was our status. His family was filthy rich; I was a mere commoner to them. And the biggest obstacle was his mother. She had a girl in mind for him. Someone from an equally wealthy family. She openly showed her dislike for my non branded shoes, handbags, outfits, lack of gold jewellery. The truth is I never fancied gold or branded items. And till today, even though i could afford them, i am not inclined to indulge in them. I eventually moved away from the relationship because to me, strong disapproval from the mother-in-law could create problems in the marriage in the long term. So my ex did marry the girl of his mother's choice, but now they are divorced and no kids involved. Being in contact recently, we discovered we still have the same chemistry. My ex is especially keen to bring our relationship to a deeper level, even to the point of converting to Islam. I have been stalling any reply because I am really not convinced that he wants to convert for the right reasons. Two scenarios are derived: 1) Ideal man, genuine marriage intention, but doubtful love for Islam. 2) Ideal man, genuine marriage intention, doubtful love for Islam, but eventually with deeper learning and guidance would hopefully lead to genuine love for Islam. Me mind's in a juggle...Should I plunge? Is this perhaps Allah's way of leading the guy to Islam or is this a test of my iman?


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fatima22
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Posted on Thu, Jan 31, 2008 20:39

Salams all I am touched that you all care enough to share your experiences with me. It is helpful to learn from someone who has passed that road before so we can have some idea as to what to look out for on our own journey through a similar track. I cannot say that i am back in love in the romantic way with my ex but admittedly it's nice to have found a lost friend and to revive old memories. I am actually still getting over the surprise that he still has the old feelings for me when i am just adjusting to the fact of having him as a friend again! I had closed our chapter when we split and he got married, and now it is like having to open the book all over again. I think my being a muslim causes me to probe the events now. Prior to discovering Islam, i was always wilful and believed that the outcomes in my life were attributed to the choices that I made for myself. So I was always prepared to bear the responsibilities of whatever effects that derived from my decisons. But Islam has taught me that whatever befalls me only happens through the Will & Decree of Allah and could not hve been avoided, and whatever does not happen could not have been made to happen if He wills it not. So that leaves me in a very confusing state at this moment as to whether to analyse this encounter as Allah's Will for (1) Me to GET MARRIED or (2) for my friend to be led to Islam, because my friend is the one who on his own brought up both factors together: He wants to marry me and he wants to convert! And eventually i need to give an answer .. that's the migraine i am having now. If the encounter is for him to become a muslim, then there is no need for me to marry him. But if indeed this guy is Allah's Will to end my celibate living, then i should obediently follow. I know many have advised to pray istikhara but i have not much confidence soley in this because sometimes we do not know if deep down we are actually swayed into following our own emotions or the guided ones. I had tried istikhara before, for job decisions, business ventures, relocations, etc... and have had adverse results. The fault must be purely mine for perhaps i did not perform istikhara correctly, so that is why i do not have much confidence for this case. But yet i agree....fervent praying is what i undoubtedly have to do cause I cannot rely on "inni-minni-minor-more" or "scissors-paper-stone" (just joking!) ...so may i be rightly guided this time, Insyaallah. If only Allah could speak to me as clearly as how He did to the Muslims during our Prophet's (pbuh) time, it'd safe much debating in my mind!!


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JeNnaa
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Posted on Tue, Jan 29, 2008 02:14

Assalammualaikum all, Its good to hear that u r back in love with ur ex fatima22. Maybe this is what Allah the Al-Knowing wants u to do because maybe through u, ur ex insyallah can accept islam and be a muslim. Before u take the plunge, be patience first and pray isthiharoh to know the real answer from ALLAH before u take that step and if u get that good answer which ur ex genuinely wants to convert not because of u but coz of islam, then pray hajat so that ALLAH grants u ur wish and that his parents will accept u willingly as their daughter in law. After praying and getting the definete answer then maybe u will know whats ur next step. U can also zikir one of the asma ulhusna which is Ya Jami' - this is one of Allah's character which means The Gatherer who brings the broken pieces back into one or 2 persons become a couple. U can recite Ya Jami' alot of times at any times in the day or the night by remembering the person who u wanted to marry. But before u recite Ya Jami', u must selawat one time first then recite Ya Jami' and after selawat one time again to close the doa- this is because without the selawat opening and closing, the malaikat/angel can't bring ur doa above to Allah and ur doa will lingers around. When ur ex is really genuinely ready to convert to be muslim, then maybe every single conversation u guys have, u might want to input some islamic factors and view without hitting his sensitiviness and then u guys both can take up islamic courses or go to the mosque together so that he can get more answers and responses from ALLAH because mosques is Allah's home. Before u guys even talk about marriage, talk about the logic factors regarding islam and non muslim so that u guys can weigh the situation thoroughly. Fatima22, it took me 4 years really 4 patience years to be in a relationship with a non muslim and alhamdulillah with that patienceness i have, my non muslim bf has converted without me forcing or even saying to him about conversion.-the only thing i did was to do what a muslim needs to do just like what i advise u, i pray and pray and recite and go to mosque and finally with Allah's grace and mercy, HE has open up my boyfriend heart to convert and my bf is the one who he himself came up to me and said it all. Though its quite tough that our race are diff and hes coming from a well to do family and his family doesnt even like me but then again i always has confident in ALLAH for HE will show me the way to win his family hearts and trusts though it takes time. Yes, u are having tough time with ur ex family especially his mum-well whos mum dont want the best for their children. Its not easy to win a mum heart but its not hard either. To win his family heart, its his part to do his job for u before u meet up with his family again. This will be easier if ur ex has already convert to muslim. Y i said so because- if he has convert to muslim, he will do what a muslim needs to do and his family one day will knew about this and when his family knew about this, he has to tell out the truth before talking about marriage which means to say-he say to prove to his parents/family that he can be a better person in another diff. religion and advise them the truth factors about islam and islam doesnt condemn the rich or the poor, islam dont see people with gold or without, its the good deeds not the bad wrongdoings etc. and when his family sees this and approved of it meaning to say that its like a so call 'wake up call' for them that in islam- God doesn't see how much ur bank account, gold,richness etc and always be humbled and help the poor etc, then maybe there b a day for him to sit down with his family to introduce u to his family again in a better way. I know its long, i know its take a great patience but dont give up.. coz satan never give up to disturb us the adam children. To me, im still fighting for the relationship and stil praying for that real day to be introduce correctly to my bf parents. May Allah answers all our prayers. Amin


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Posted on Mon, Jan 28, 2008 12:51

Salam alaykum sister. i read what you wrote and i can understand the situation, i am also a revert and have bumped in to an ex in a similar way. However I told myself that the two paths where going in opposite directions, what I did was talk to her about islam, gaver her a book too as she said she was interested. The best thing to do is what the Prophet (SAW) would do at times of a big choice, he would pray salat al istikhara. If you know how to do it then I would definatley recommend doing it, if not find out from a friend, or teacher, or a site like sunnipath. Also, avoid getting close, as we know we can become blinded by our emotions. May Allah guide you to what is best for your deen and your life in this world and the next. Ameen.


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fatima333
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Posted on Fri, Jan 25, 2008 01:14

Assalaamalicum,, there are many things u wrote fatima, now i understand many things... he want to cover up the relation as soon as possible, if islam is good for u then islam is good for him also,i feel here is not the point of good or bad...the point is he should understand what are the teachings of islam and then see his reaction..consult MUFTI of masjid in this matter and let musfti person to teach about islam..let the mufti person see this guy reaction ,, u alone should not come completly in conclusion that if he loves and want to live life with u then he also love islam.. INSHALLAH u can be good enough to teach your man. his likes for islam will easily visible only when he know about islam and try to practice it... ,,INSHALLAH u will understand whether he is able to like and follow islam or it is very hard for him to follow . if he feels its easy and also will love to follow it then your won life will become easy for u. ur mother in law is a non muslim women,i dont understand how u can live with that women,non muslim women will have jealous ..but islam teaches us we should not be jealous of anything..who will teach that old women not to have jealous,angry,hatredness on islam,,she will watch her son offering namaz and then again create nuisense..she will surely cannot bear to see islam at home,,then obviously it will become harder for u to teach ur husband about islam..u please dont stay with that non muslim women,,but u can stay atleast near to her house.


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fatima22
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Posted on Thu, Jan 24, 2008 06:15

salams fatima333 appreciate you trying to help. i know what non muslims practise because i was a non muslim myself. And we cannot fully condemn non muslims for some actions because in the first place they are ignorant of what Islam teaches. To them, drinking, eating pork and mingling with the opposite sex are not crimes likened to murder, theft, etc. They are harmless everyday practices. Their religion does not forbid them against these so how are they to know they are doing wrong? Why do u think we have this onging battle with the secular world who regard Islam as a backward religion because of the many restrictions? Like myself... Only after learning about islam that i realised it is actually the most advanced, practical and genuine religion, and i chose to change my ways. Likewise for my friend, he was not exposed to any Islamic teachings until recently, when he learnt of my conversion. Initially he was surprised how i could convert to Islam, of all religions, but slowly he is learning to understand why muslims do or do not do certain things. He was also surprised to discover that me being a a muslim did not change the characters and traits he liked in me...in fact to him, some have even improved! NO, i was the one who left him. Though it hurt a lot, to him and myself, i felt we had to face reality. I did not want ending up in a situation where i always had to fight his mother or a situation where he would have to often choose between his mother's side or my side. Also being the only son in the family and earmarked to suceed the family's business i did not want to cause problems for him with his family. Good or bad, i also did not want to separate a mother from her child. Mothers are afterall the ones who nutured us when we were helpless and so all mothers are dear to me. He seems in favour of Islam and is willing to convert because he is eager to seal our relationship. It is i who is stalling because i want him to fully fall in love with Islam first. He said he wanted to "catch up on lost time with me". He wants to be able to be with me alone and not with his sister or other friends around because i refuse to go on single dates with him,and so the only way is to get married! Then i have a lifetime to teach him the islamic ways. To him his mother is already old and she had learnt her lesson. He assures me she would not have any say in his decison now. He did afterall follow her wishes before and even his mother agreed to his divorce because his ex wife ill treated her and abused the family wealth. My problem is i dislike the rush and uncertainty of his faith. His problem is about age and we both like children. He wish to be able to have children while he still has the energy to run and play with them... not when he is too old to keep up with them. It took me some years before i finally converted to islam. He cannot afford that same length of time. But he said that if Islam was good for me, then it should be good for him too and he believes he will come to love it as passionatley as me.


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fatima333
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Posted on Wed, Jan 23, 2008 02:10

if u dont give reply to this relation chemistry history civics,he will not bother to revert in ISLAM??? if u say YES,he will show his likes for islam??? if u say no ,,he will find another women and be in same religion??? did he understand what is islam? he should show his intrest truely for islam,then only u can take further steps,, but who knows he has true loving for islam??? this all are my DOUBTS ,,which can be big problem or happiness..


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fatima333
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Posted on Wed, Jan 23, 2008 01:57

ohhh, assalaamalicum,, non muslim guys drink alcohol,walk with other women,do have female friends,many many things they do which is haraam and unislamic,, if he really loved u for the first time,but still did not marry u,because u went away from this relation and now U ARE MUSLIM WOMEN. what is the guarenty that he will stick with islam religion after marriage also?? presently ,did he completly understood what islam teaches?? once he come to know about islam,then what will be his reaction?? in islam,eating pork,drinking alcohol,travelling with unknown women,chating with unknown women,goin to clubs,all this not allowed.. free MINGLING of men and women is not allowed in islam. free mingling of men and women is not allowed in masjid also. do he understand this all things about islam?? ALLAH IS TESTING UR EMAAN?? MAY be because of u one guy will enter in islam,,but without understanding about islam if he enters in islam and did not able to follow it,u will get irretated and may be this leads to divorse(may ALLAH forbids)..... if he fully understand about islam and love to follow islam and love to live life a good family life with u.then everything goes easy in ur life,,because u married a muslim man with whom u loved.. fatima very complicated to answer on this matter...u better take advise of mufti man,, because this man loved u,,and may be u love him and also love him more when he love islam,,, he married another women on his mother's choice,,,u left him or he left u??? if he left u just because mother did not liked u,then his love for u is not stronge because he can convince his mother on that time.. but everything is ALLAH'S WISH. ALHAMDULILLAH NOW U R MUSLIM WOMEN. plz read istaikhara namaz,,after isha namaz,u read 2rakat istaikha namaz,then read istaikhara dua, then read surah fatiha,then read durood,now start ur own dua and ask ALLAH to help u in this relation.. it is not important to get ur answer in dreams,,u can also get answer yes when u feel ur heart is running towards that man only,, if u find something black in ur dreams that means answer is NO,,IF u find something white then answer is YES. IF U DONT FIND ANYTHING in dreams,then its not compulsory to get dreams ,,ALLAH will show u way automatically,, u can do istaikhara for 7 days also.


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