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How do I help him?? Sort by:
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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, Aug 27, 2007 11:44

Someone asked me to help tutor her teenage son who had problems in his school work. After much pestering form her, I agreed, and by God's grace, he did improve in his subjects. Besides his lessons, he confides a lot in me and often asks for my opinions and advice on various matters. However, couple of weeks back, he handed me a note expressing that he has developed deeper feelings for me. Of course I was taken by surprise and I sort of hinted to him that my feelings for him are purely that of genuine concern for his well being and for his academic performance. He took the response quite badly, cancelled his tuition lessons with me and thereafter refused to answer my calls. Recently, his mother approached me and was angry with me saying that I had ruined her son's life because he has started to skip school, failed his class tests and she is worried about how he will perform in his final exams which are due soon!!! Gosh! Never thought I'd get into such a situation with a teenager. Besides, our age differenc is so much apart that it never crossed my mind that he could have 'deeper' feelings for me! What would be the best thing to do now?? I cannot lie about my feelings for him, but I cannot also just ignore and see this poor boy ruin his academic chances. Why do guys often misunderstand genuine concern for LOVE, as in a relationship?? It has happened before with friends or colleagues but they eventually were able to cope with the truth. But now that it involves the tender heart of a teenager, I am in the dark as to what I should do, as I fear to be responsible for his academic downfall. Any suggestions, anyone?


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fatima22
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Posted on Tue, Sep 04, 2007 17:24

Salams Thanks guys! Good to get the male perspective of the situation or I'd be succumbing to female paranoia and guilt! Looking at the situation from a different view, as pointed out by you guys, helped make me realise the baseless grounds for my feeling agitated by the teenager's and his mother's reactions as I had no ill intentions from the beginning, nor did I recall ever treating him any different than any other tutor would. Besides, most times while I taught him, his younger brother was also nearby doing his schoolwork. Jazakallahu khayran. (hope this phrase is spelt correctly). Feel much comforted now.....


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ZANDABEEL
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Posted on Sat, Sep 01, 2007 04:08

Wa-'alaykumus-salaam, Fatima you do not have to save the world. This teenager created a problem for himself. He must sort it out. And if he fails in his exams tough luck for him. The situation has precipitated. The family is against you. You step back as you know it was the Decree of Allah. If he cannot step out of his self-engendered state, it is his problem and that of his family in accepting the Decree. You can pray for him that he draws beneficial lessons from the experience for his future life. Was-salaam, Ahmad 'Ali


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fatima22
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Posted on Fri, Aug 31, 2007 11:00

Re: ZANDABEEL write: As-salaamu 'alaykum, no, I am not saying the solution lies in barring or renouncing every contact. However, given the particular context concerning a teenager you would not be interested in marrying, all the exposure through TV etc teenagers have to the nurturing of romantic and other fantasies, since that is the only specific context of your post, and the fact your status puts up a sign, so to speak, that is fertile ground for the unfolding of such fantasies, what I mentioned is a radical solution which would take care of the core of the problem at source, and Allah knows best. `Ahmad 'Ali

Assalamualaykum In simpler deduction the solution appears to conclude that it is not advisable for single females to give tuition to teenagers or that it is not advisable for single females to pursue a teaching profession if it involves teaching teenage students, because as long as they are single, they shall be labelled as fertile grounds; And teenagers, being teenagers, will always have their hormones to deal with !! I can understand that this advice has its good intentions and it could be valuable for future similar undertakings. However, in context with the problem, my concerns actually surround the present situation, for I am doubtful that if I were to get married now (which means I would have to find a husband fast!!! LOL) this teenager would overcome his present emotional setback and be willing to accept my assitance to tutor him back so that he would not throw away his chances for his exams in about 3 month's time.... !


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ZANDABEEL
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Posted on Thu, Aug 30, 2007 23:59

As-salaamu 'alaykum, no, I am not saying the solution lies in barring or renouncing every contact. However, given the particular context concerning a teenager you would not be interested in marrying, all the exposure through TV etc teenagers have to the nurturing of romantic and other fantasies, since that is the only specific context of your post, and the fact your status puts up a sign, so to speak, that is fertile ground for the unfolding of such fantasies, what I mentioned is a radical solution which would take care of the core of the problem at source, and Allah knows best. `Ahmad 'Ali


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fatima22
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Posted on Thu, Aug 30, 2007 07:18

Wa'alaykum salam bro. ducatti998 Thank you for the presence of your faith in my intentions for providing the tutoring service. I think I should make it a point to read the book about 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'. Saw this book couple of times at the stores but was never interested before. :p I had always thought that the reason i have less problems with guy friends is because they are like an open book and are less suspicious in their thoughts and expressions, whilst my lady friends may sometimes express one thing but I discover that they actually mean another... Goes to show there is still a lot to learn......


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fatima22
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Posted on Thu, Aug 30, 2007 06:54

Re: ZANDABEEL write: As-salaamu 'alaykum, yes, get married so that these things won't happen again. `Ahmad

Wa'alaykum salam. In context with the situation of my problem, the soultion given is to get married........... Does this equate to the conclusion that we females should not exercise concern or assistance for guys, until after marriage? Because if we were single, such things would happen again. The only loophole in this solution is that if we barr our concerns and assistance for the mere fact that the recipent is of the opposite sex, would any potential guy even consider taking us as his wife?


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ZANDABEEL
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Posted on Mon, Aug 27, 2007 22:40

As-salaamu 'alaykum, yes, get married so that these things won't happen again. `Ahmad


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Posted on Mon, Aug 27, 2007 21:55

Assalamu Alaikum Fatima, Let me start by saying that I believe that you've done nothing wrong by providing your tutoring services. I believe that your heart was in the right place and it continues to be in the right place. The reason that we misunderstand a woman so much is due to the fact that Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus. I know that it sounds crazy, but there is some truth within this way of thinking. We are wired differently in some aspects and it just so happens that feelings are one of them. I would not be to hard on yourself it was just a misunderstanding. Now as far as what you can do now, I think you should take a step back and observe the situation. I don't think that you should continue to press the issue. If he and his mother come around that would be great, and if they do not at least you know that you gave it your best shot. I hope that this will not deter you in the future of offering your assistance. Lastly, keep up the great Blogs. I love to read your perspective on things.


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