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MARRIAGE in LIMBO..... Sort by:
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fatima22
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Posted on Fri, Apr 27, 2007 15:20

A girl related her sad situation as follows: She fell in love and married her former boss, who was a foreigner, while he was stationed in her country. She knew he was already married with children and agreed to be his second wife. She also agreed to keep this marriage a secret from his first wife She admitted she had a blissful 8-months marriage until her husband?s contract was over and he had to return to his hometown. He has not been back to see her since. It is already more than 4 years?. He does send her money regularly but each time she asked when he will come to see her, he?d say he has no excuse to travel out and he is afraid his first wife will suspect their marriage. He does not want to upset the first wife as she has a weak heart. Even when she had to undergo some surgery, the husband did not bother to visit her. What kind of marriage is this?? My friend is still young and attractive but her life is like an imaginary prison. She cannot remarry ........as islamically, she is still married. However in reality, she does not have her husband?s presence for the proper care and love. She is neither here nor there, plus she has to face her family's constant queries and naggings about her present situation.... She admitted she had agreed to keep their marriage a secret from the first wife and his children, but she never bargained for a life of being married to a ghost! What can she do? Or what should she do???? She still loves him and is not, at the moment, contemplating divorce, but she does feel sad and alone. She is now resigned to just hoping, praying, and waiting...... This i feel is the injustice that co-wives may be subjected to. The husband tells the wives that there is no rule in Islam that says he needs to get any of their permission to remarry, nor is there any need for the husband to inform the females that he has other wives....so what would be the outcome? Would this not encourage abuse and manipulation from the males?....... Children from the different mothers not knowing they share the same father?.........And what if the children happened to cross paths and fell in love with each other without realising they are actually closely related? (I have read a story that this case actually happened to a brother who fell in love with a girl while studying overseas only to discover that they shared the same biological father... and not what they had thought initially that it was mere coincidence that their fathers had similar names!! ) How does Islam protect or defend the females in such cases?


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fatima22
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Posted on Sat, May 19, 2007 05:32

salams everyone May Allah bless you all for your concerns and advices! You do not know this girl and yet you bother to asisst. The good news is that the girl has finally decided to take action! After informing her of your many responses, suggestions, lessons from the Quran & Hadiths, etc... she felt so encouraged and decided to be the agressor rather than the victim... She told the guy that he must to do something about their marriage, as she no longer wish to continue in her present situation. Either he returns to fulfil his responsibilities or she will go up to his country and reveal their marriage, or she will seek an official separation. The guy was surprised by her reaction and panicked, and has promised to do something real soon... He plans to find a way to travel to see her! She felt so happy that finally there is something done! She cannot imagine how she had wasted all the previous years living like a tortoise under a shell.. Although, she is unsure how her marriage will eventually turn out, she is at least pleased that there is some "motion" rather than stagnation... She asked me to convey her heartfelt gratititude to all of you... She was surprised that there are people who care for her even though you all may be anonymous... Beats all those who are physically present around her and whom she addresses as relative and friends. You have lifted her spirit, gave her encouragement ...you have given her hope and a "rebirth" ... She asks that you pray for her that she will not become weak and soft when she meets him and he tries to persuade her again into the old arrangement... Jazakallah to all....


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ZANDABEEL
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Posted on Fri, May 18, 2007 14:04

As-salaamu 'alaykum, this has nothing to do about being a co-wife or not. It's a typical example of diffused ill-treatment of women. I just finished today a case of a Muslimah married by nikaah asking for the dissolution of her marriage. I'll give the oral verdict probably in 3 days' time and the written one later [When I want to clarify people's confusion about khul` and judicial dissolution]. I did a similar cruel case (and it achieved success) late last year. I could post it to you as attachment if you so wish. The solution is simple: What we're doing here in the absence of institutionalized Shar`ic courts. A local emir with the courage to appoint a judicial officer and make sure justice is administered without fear or favour. Allah's Power is limitless. It's up to us to manifest some of His attributes in this abode of transit and testing, such as Justice, Mercy and Might. [In the case I finalized today, in 3 three days' time, for reasons to be spelled out in the judgment I'll verbalize or let her verbalize one talqah baa'inah setting in the 'iddah as a judicially-ruled furqah or dissolution of marriage = other than a khul`, which is a consensual agreement one cannot foist on a stubbornly recalcitrant and imature would-be contracting party].


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Posted on Thu, May 10, 2007 11:54

Salam sister Fatima22, It is okay, it was not hard to get the information. My heart goes out to the lady. She is really in a tough situation. May Allah shower her with his Mercy and ease her pain and troubles. I think GOD is helping her already, because she met you. You are seeking answers and trying to find a solution on her behalf. GOD will greatly reward your efforts because you are helping a sister in crises who has no body to turn to. Because of what you wrote above, I now have more sympathy towards this woman. But, from the beginning I was not critical of her . But ,I blamed the husband because, in Islam he is the head of the family and he is responsible of her well being. His responsibility includes setting her free and not holding her hanging there for 4 years. Allah knows better.


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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, May 07, 2007 11:50

Salams sister Zoba40 I am so touched by the amount of research you went through on this topic and your effort to list them out. May Allah, the Exalted, reward you and also all those who have assisted to contribute what they know or discovered. I shall pass the details to the girl and let her decide what she wishes to do. Actually i do not know her well. I just saw her crying in the library and when I approached her she suddenly poured her heart out. Later she felt embarrassed, but relieved to get it out of her chest. She has no computer at home to seek help tru the internet. She shuns away from her family and friends. She had switched jobs and does not mix much with her new colleagues.......what a lonely life she is going through, ....and that was why when a stranger like myself approached her....she just let everything out. She has no one to turn to. Her family and friends are of no help because they just call her stupid for agreeing to be the second wife in the first place and for agreeing to marry the foreigner under those conditions, so to them, she deserves the outcome. I am sure she did not bargain for the unexpected disappearance of the husband and it seems the husband did not intentionally want to leave her either, if he could help it. That was why he still keeps in touch with her. I felt pity that she was judged unfairly. She followed the sunnah and accepted polygamy, but there are brothers who still condemn her. She made a big sacrifice. Rather than engage in haram relationship, she got married according to islamic laws. She even sacrificed not to reveal her marriage as her husband had told her his first wife had a weak heart. If he was lying, he is to blame, not her...... Jazakallahu khayran, once again....


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Posted on Sun, May 06, 2007 08:47

Salam Alikum Sister Fatima, Here is some information about Khul in the case of husband?s absence. I ?d like to cite for you the statement of Sheikh Sayyed Sabiq, , which goes as follows: In a husband?s absence, a wife is not allowed to marry another until she has resorted to a judge to take the due procedure either to notify him to come (if he is available) or to issue a judgment declaring him to be absent. ?Nullifying the marriage due to the absence of the husband is the view adopted by Malik and Ahmad so as to remove the harm inflicted on the wife. Hence, a wife is allowed to seek divorce due to her husband's absence even if he has left for her sufficient provision. However this is governed by the following conditions: 1- If the husband has been away for no valid reason; 2- If the absence causes the wife great harm; 3- If the husband lives in another country; 4- If the husband has been absent for a whole year. In the light of what is mentioned above, if there is a valid excuse for a husband to be away, such as seeking knowledge, trading or working abroad, then the wife is not allowed to seek divorce. The same is true in case he lives in another place inside the same country. In order to be able to seek divorce due to harm inflicted upon her for her husband?s absence, a whole year must have elapsed, during which she has experienced harm, loneliness and fear of sedition. Lapse of a whole year is the view held by Malik while others opt for three years. Ahmad, however, holds the view that the shortest period that allow seeking divorce is six months, being the utmost limit for woman?s endurance for her husband?s absence as declared by `Umar and Hafsah, may Allah be pleased with them both.? Sheikh Hamed Al-`Ali, instructor of Islamic Heritage at the Faculty of Education, Kuwait and Imam of Dahiat As-Sabahiyya Mosque, stated the following. Khul` has to be resorted to at the consent and agreement of both spouses because the wife is supposed to pay money back to the husband in return for the dissolution of marriage. Thus the spouses have to agree on that sum of money, when it will be paid, etc. However, the wife has another option should the husband does not agree to go for Khul?, that is to file a case in the court and resort to the Muslim Qadi (judge). If she has an excuse then she releases herself by paying back the dowry to her husband and the Qadi compels him to let her go. Or she might have the Islamic ground for divorce without paying him back the money, in which case the Qadi will separate them. Or she might not have any reason for separation, in which case the Qadi is supposed to try to solve the problem and bring peace and reconciliation between the couple. If all possible means to bring about reconciliation prove to be of no avail, then the Qadi should compel him to divorce her or release her after taking his money back.? Dr. Muhammad Ahmad Siraj, professor of Shari?ah at the American University, Cairo, Egypt, states: ?Basically Khul` is conducted according to the agreement of both parties to separate without being forced to do so. This view is held by the majority of scholars. However, some scholars are of the opinion that the husband can be forced to give Khul` if marriage has proved to be failure and there is no way they can live together. As evidence, the proponents of the second view quote the hadith of the wife of Thabit Ibn Qais. As stated in the hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, told Qais, ?O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once and for all." This command from the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, conveys obligation (Wujub) as long as there is no evidence to imply a recommendation (Nadb). This is due to the fact the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, ordered Qais to accept the garden which he gave as dowry to his wife and then divorce her by means of Khul`. If the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, had done this in his capacity as the Muslim Qadi, then every Qadi is allowed to do the same. I myself do not see any harm in applying this opinion in view of certain social circumstances. However, the majority of scholars have interpreted the command in the previous Hadith as that of guidance and advice. Thus the majority of scholars object to the view that the Qadi has the right to force the husband to accept Khul` and divorce the wife if she gives him what he paid her."


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Posted on Sun, May 06, 2007 08:18

Salam Sister Fatima. I have found this information in regard to the lady situation. I am coding a Muslim scholar, Dr. Su`aad Salih, professor of Fiqh at Al-Azhar Univirsity. He stated the following. ?In Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam defined certain duties and rights for the husband and wife."The maximum limit a husband is allowed to be away from his wife is four months, or six months according to the view of the Hanbali scholars. This is the maximum period a woman can endure separation from her husband. Commentators of the Glorious Qur'an narrate the following incident in support of this opinion. One night Caliph `Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) was making his rounds of Madinah when he heard a woman singing: The night is long, darkness all around me; I am sleepless, for I have no friend to play with. By Allah, had there been no fear of Him, This cot would be shaking from side to side. Upon investigation, `Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) found that the woman's husband had been on a military expedition for a long time. He then asked his daughter, Hafsah, a widow of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), "How long can a woman endure separation from her husband?" She replied, "Four months." As a consequence, he decided that he would not send a married man away from his wife for a period exceeding four months. However, if a wife agrees to give up this right for more than this period, then it is lawful and there is no wrong in this." Mufti Ibrahim Desai adds: "A married person may stay away from his wife for whatever period that was mutually agreed upon. However, if the wife is not happy regarding the husband staying away, then the husband should meet his wife at least once every four months."


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baqi9
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Posted on Sun, May 06, 2007 04:21

I found this q and a, but I'm only posting the end of the answer since it applies overall to this situation Insha Allah. If her husband gives her her rights as prescribed in sharee'ah, then it is haraam for her to ask for divorce, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Any woman who asks for divorce when there is no reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her. But if she is being harmed, and the situation is too much for her to bear, and he is not spending enough on her or he is not giving her her rights, then she has the right to ask for a divorce. She should go to the qaadi and explain the situation to him, and he in turn should ask the husband to give her her rights or to divorce her. Shaykh Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen.


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fatima22
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Posted on Fri, May 04, 2007 08:01

Salams Appreciate your replies. Actually they both did not think that the husband will be sent back to his country so soon. There was some problems and the company no longer required his services. He did not expect this. He thought the business will thrive and he will be staying long in the foreign country. As to the girl, she did not feel she was going against the Quran as it has been doctrined to her that in Islam, a muslim is allowed to have more than one wife. Her whole family and friends are aware of the marriage; the only persons who do not are the guy's first wife and his family, and this was because, according to the guy, he did not want to upset his first wife because of her poor heart condition. Also he had said it was not required in Islam for the man to get permission from his first wife to remarry. I guess she was just being obedient to the husband's request and did not bother to verify the laws. She admitted her Islamic knowledge is lacking so she relied on her husband who seemed knowledgeable and possess a good deen. She even began praying regularly and wore the hijab after marriage. Anyway, according to her, that is why he still supports her financially; he does keep in touch. He is only unable to be physically with her... But of course after so long, her hopes are thining and her patience is running low... Regarding the kulah... can she file for the divorce anywhere or must she do it at the country she got married? The problem is they got married in a neighbouring country so their marriage is not registered in her country of residence.


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talibulislam
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Posted on Wed, May 02, 2007 19:40

asallamoalikum,she chose that path,she new what she was getting into,she ignore the facts,she chose to keep it secret when there is no secrecy in halal relation,he did business deal from beginning,if u don't apply your mind in long term relation then u gotta pay the price,she can file for divorce,she can take kulah(back door divorce)women has rights too,in many occasion women have more rights then man,may Allah swt solve her problem & open our minds & help us to learn from other's mistakes insh'allah


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Posted on Wed, May 02, 2007 10:58

If God granted men the permission to marry more than one wife, with that permission comes a huge responsibility. This man is required to do justice to this lady, even if she allowed him to be unfair with her. He is expected to be fair and wise and deliver justice to both wives. GOD Almighty did not grant them this permission lightly. GOD warned men not to marry more than one, unless they are 100% sure that they will be able to treat the wives fairly, and grant them all the rights that they are entitled to in Islam. One of those rights is to be physically with the wife, and not away from her for 4 years. GOD Almighty says in the Quran ([But do not retain them in order to harm or wrong them.] (Al-Baqarah 2:231). GOD Almighty also says "Allah Almighty who says: But if you fear that you will not be able to do justice (among them), then (marry) only one..." (An-Nisa': 3). Allah Almighty says "And you will not be able to do justice among (your) wives, however much you may wish to. But do not turn away (from one of them) altogether..." (An-Nisa': 129). " . He knew that he wouldn?t be able to take her to his country because; his first wife wouldn?t allow him. He also knew that he wouldn?t be able to come back. So, why didn?t he divorce her? Even if she likes him and didn?t want the divorce, he should have been wiser and more realistic. He should have granted her the freedom to find somebody else who can be there for her. I don?t think she will be punished for not standing up for her rights, but he on the other hand, will be responsible for not sustaining those rights.


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Lawrence2007
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Posted on Wed, May 02, 2007 07:51

anyone who gets married under lies are on their way down to meet the devil. she knew he was married, as a human being she could use her brain , and also she new he was to go back to his country, he is also on a path to meet the gevil. I would say they are both going against the coran. Like a good friend of mine said the coran is all beautiful and without any mistakes, but people are not.


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fatima22
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Posted on Wed, May 02, 2007 05:46

Assalamualaikum, I was not aware of this saying about the maximum period of staying away from one's wife is six months, after which the person will be considered sinful. So does this mean that if, on the other hand, the husband has a contract to work 2 years overseas but is not entitled to get visa to bring his wife over, he has an excuse to marry another at the country he is working? I am asking this because locally we have a lot of foreign workers whose working contract normally spans over a period of 1 or 2 years. And in the case of my friend, I guess we canot totally blame her former boss for deciding to take her as his second wife as he had been away from his first wife for more than six months when he married her. Was he actually following the islamic law then? Regarding the secrecy part, i remember reading some members' comments in other blogs that it is not necessary for the muslim husband to ask permission from the first wife, nor is there any need for him to tell his other wives if he wish to remarry... I am confused now..... so what would be the correct islamic practice on this issue? Can any brothers/sisters help?


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Posted on Sat, Apr 28, 2007 20:48

I feel really sorry for this lady, I think this man is using and abusing her rights, and he will be punished by GOD for that. Even if she loved him and agreed to his conditions still, he is obligated by GOD to grant her all the rights of the wife in Islam. I think Islamically, she doesn?t have to stay married to this man who abandoned her for 4 years. I think she has the right to divorce him, because there is a time limit for the husband being away from the wife. In the narration from `Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) the maximum period of staying away from one?s wife is six months, after which the person will be considered sinful. I think, in some muslims countries, the first wife has the right to divorse her husband if he is married to a second wife. There are some conditions for that, but I am not sure about them. For my self, I know I will get a divorse if my husband married again. About the secrecy part, I think, he is required to tell his first wife, his children and his community about the second wife. In Islam there is no secrecy in marriage. One of the conditions of the valid marriage is to make it public. I think, There is more to marriage than the intimate relationship between a man and a woman. There are children, inheritance, society and so on. There are wife rights, husband rights and children rights. So, I think secrecy is not an option for a valid marriage in Islam. "The condition which Islam lays down for permitting a man to have more than one wife is confidence on his part that he will be able to deal equitably with his two or more wives in the matter of food, drink, housing, clothing and expenses, as well as in the division of his time between them. Anyone who lacks the assurance that he will be able to fulfill all these obligations with justice and equality is prohibited by Allah Almighty from marrying more than one woman, for Allah says: "But if you fear that you will not be able to do justice (among them), then (marry) only one..." (An-Nisa': 3). And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Anyone who has two wives and does not treat them equally will come on the Day of Resurrection dragging one part of his body which will be hanging down." (Reported by the compilers of Sunan and by Ibn Hibban and al-Hakim). The Wife's Rights; The Husband's Obligations: Because the Qur'an and the Sunnah of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband's duty to: 1- Consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner. Allah Almighty says, "? and consort with them in kindness." (An-Nisa': 19) 2- Have responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: "Let him who hath abundance spend of his abundance, and he whose provision is measured, let him spend of that which Allah hath given him. Allah asketh naught of any soul save that which He hath given it. Allah will vouchsafe, after hardship, ease.?" (At-Talaq: 7) Components of Maintenance: Maintenance entails the wife's incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being. 1-The wife's residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal. 2-What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of life. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness. Non-Material Rights: A husband is commanded by the law of God to: 1- Treat his wife with equity. 2- Respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration. 3- Not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty. 4- Not to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom. 5- Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.


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