The problems of reverting....
It is quite amazing how my love for Islam is developing; every day I can feel its presence a little more inside. It is also amazing how every day I have a sign that this is the right thing to do. Today a tutor of mine (who is a revert) gave me a translated Quran. After receiving this gift I went outside and was approached by two sisters in hijab offering free chocolate with a message attached, inside it read Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him said)Exchange presents with one another as it removes bad feelings from the hearts. Narrated by Tirmhidi. How much I wished those sisters could see what is inside me, to see that my feelings of Islam are the same as theirs. It made me wish that people knew how I felt inside, especially my mother. She is a wonderful woman mashallah and a very intelligent woman too. I love her dearly and I can see a lot of her in me but I fear that she will be unhappy with my decision and worry greatly about her response when the time comes to tell her. I hope that when I do explain to her that she doesnt feel that I am rejecting her and the way she brought me up because I believe she has done a good job and by adopting the customs of Islam I will not be changed, only my actions will (praying, zakat, inshallah hajj one day). All the values her and my father instilled in me will always be a part of me and ultimately largely who I am. I used to worry that I would not be able to reconcile being white and Emma and Muslim but I have realised al? hamdullillah that they can be. My mother?s values are extremely compatible with Islam in actual fact, she taught me that lying and stealing were wrong and that being a nice person is extremely important. Islam teaches these things also. I hope that my mothers opinion of Islam is not distorted by the media representation or Western stereotypes or the few radical and politicised Muslims that add to the inaccurate portrayal of the religion I have decided to follow. As she is a sensible, highly intelligent and tolerant person I believe she will not do so but I must prepare myself for the fact that she may not be entirely happy. My biggest concern is for her to understand both my motivations and reasons for wanting to revert; the fact that she knows me so well alleviates this worry slightly but it remains a large problem for me. I worry that she may think I am doing it to fit in with the people that I choose as friends or in an extreme case that I am doing it for someone other than myself. I cant describe how this makes my heart ache. I hope she knows I am more sensible than that. I truly believe Islam is the truth and the feeling I get from reading Quran and hadith and hearing the azaan (I heard for the first time yesterday while in Birmingham) is indescribable to anyone, even a fellow member of the ummah.
Despite all my fears I know that alhamdullilah Allah will always provide and that as long as I have iman everything will be ok inshallah. I look forward to the day that my anxieties about being accepted are relieved. Only then will I truly be how I already feel. I would also like to add that changing my name is a concern for me, my reasons for doing so are firstly that I want other Muslims to recognise me as being a part of the ummah, I know iman is inside of you but it is important to show that I am (will be) proud to be a part of the ummah, secondly the shahada marks a new stage in ones life, a new beginning in a way (though my past is important to me, special and ultimately composed a large part of who I am today) it will mark that beginning for me. The name I have chosen is Aminaah which means secured, safe. It is also the name of Muhammads (saw) mother who passed away when he was young. Inshallah my mother will not see this as a rejection of the name Emma as I love it and it will always be me. If she prefers to call me Emma that is fine, I just want to please her and as Islam puts great importance on parents feelings, especially mothers I will always bear this in mind.
Bismillah irachma niraheem muhammadun rasullallah.
Peace and blessings be upon all the prophets and their families.
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