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Muslim Blogs > Ahjii0187's blogs > Toughts from the second wife.
Toughts from the second wife. Sort by:
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ahjii0187
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Posted on Mon, May 15, 2006 05:42

the second wife(written by muslimah) Body: The Second Wife By Shariffa Carlo Al Andalusia I heard a commentary the other day which hit home like little else has in a long time. A news commentator had just finished interviewing some local youngsters on the impact that the Clinton/Lewinsky affair had upon them. Most of the young people said the same. "It is personal." "Let him be." "No one is perfect." and so forth... The commentator, when summing up his report said, "The President is supposed to represent the morals and values of the society that he represents." He paused and then said, "Maybe that is the problem." That pretty much summed it up. Clinton represents the morals and values of America. He is the poster-child for the greedy, over-indulgent American who is concerned with nothing more than self gratification. So why do so many Muslims idealize this society? Why are so many of us so enamored with the values of these people that we either apologize for or even deny basic tenants of our belief? One such tenant is polygyny. Polygyny is the practice of marrying more than one wife. Unfortunately, often the term polygamy - the practice of marrying more than one spouse is used to describe the practice in Islam. This is incorrect. Islam allows more than one wife, up to four. I have found that Muslims have fallen prey to the Western ideal of one woman for one man, which is laughable when you look to the reality of their relationships. The majority of men admit to committing adultery and a growing number of women do the same.. The system in the West has been described by some as serial monogamy because of the insane divorce rate, but is in reality little more than a charade for an open unchecked worship of human desire. Unfortunately, I have heard Muslim women say, I would rather that my husband commit adultery than that he bring a second wife. What a low state we have reached that such a comment could ever come from a Muslim. May Allaah (SWT) Guide us, Ameen! I have even heard Muslims actually ask, "Why is it allowed for men but not for women to have more than one spouse at a time?" Our level of faith in the Wisdom of Allaah has fallen to such an all-time low, that we no longer think that it is wrong or even disliked to question the Judgement of Allaah. Too many of us follow the West into the lizard hole, and we don't even bother to take a light with us to see if it is safe. We no longer care. We assume that they know what they are doing and we jump in with no fear. I wish such Muslims would have the same amount of faith in Allaah (SWT) that they have in the West. We have to start dealing with Islaamic issues with the eyes and ears and minds of Muslims, not with the tongues of the Kafirs, Insha-Allaah. Look to this society. Any sane, rational human being can see the destruction they have brought upon themselves with their modern concepts of love, justice, equality and human rights. The only true definitions of these concepts are those revealed by Allah (SWT) and taught and practiced by His beloved Messenger. America has shown itself to be devoid of values, time and time again, but too many Muslims blindly ignore the results of these actions and continue to follow them, footstep by footstep. Allah (SWT) has made it so easy for us. He has given us all that we need to deal with any issue that may present itself. He has paved an even, straight path for us, so why do so many of us consistently veer to roads that are clearly wraught with danger and is appointment? Allah (SWT) has blessed us with guidance. He has blessed us with knowledge. He has blessed us with Islam. So, which of the blessings of our Lord will we ignore? Allaah (SWT) says, "... Marry of the women that please you; two, three or four, but if you fear you will not be able to deal justly, then only one..." (An-Nisa 4:3) I have looked to this statement many times. Some people point out to me the part that speaks of dealing justly, and they match it with, "And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful." (An-Nisa 4:129). Here, they say, it is impossible for a person to be fair, therefore it is not allowed to marry more than one. This does not match what is written. The verse says to not desert them. How can this be a command to not marry more than one? Also, I find this theory hard to accept since I know that the prophet, the companions, the second generation, the third generation and so forth were all practicers of polygyny. If it were wrong, or even makru - as some state - then we would not find the majority among our best generations practicing it. Then, we have others who claim that Polygyny is only in cases where war has taken the majority of the men, or in special circumstances - like when the woman can not bear children or when the woman is sick. However, once again, I do not find this the case when I look to the history of Islam. It was not less practiced by the wise knowledgeable ones in Islamic history in times of peace, nor was it ever restricted to certain conditions. Actually, we don't begin to see any problems with polygyny as a practice until the West began to exert influence over the Muslims. Even as recently as the first World War, we see the bedouin Arabs proud of the fact that they have this practice as a part of their religion. What few problems we have are seen in the apologists who were trying to please the West by softening the image of Islam. These people even apologized for the practice of divorce which Islam allowed for centuries, while Christianity forbid it. Now, I wish I could see the faces of these same apologists if they could see the divorce rate of the West. Would they stop apologizing for it now that the West has not only accepted the practice, but embraced it wholeheartedly? At any rate, when I look to this verse, I clearly see the if - then statement. As a computer lover, this immediately strikes me. If - then. This is a simple logic problem. Do A. If A is not possible, then do B giving precedence to A and using B as an exception to the rule. Therefore, when we apply it, we see that the man is commanded to marry two or three or four, but IF he can not be just, then he marries only one. The one, therefore becomes the exception to the rule. Now, if this is true, then why is it that today, not only is polygyny not the rule, it is the exception, and those who practice it are often criticized? Can it be that we have so many men who consider themselves unjust? I doubt it. I believe it lies in the attitudes of our women, may Allah guide us. We have been brainwashed by the Western ideal of one man-one wife. We need to listen to our scholars, Insha-Allaah. So many of them have warned us to look to ourselves because this issue may be the one which makes us Kafir. May Allah (SWT) prevent this from happening. Ameen! Whenever I discuss this subject with women, the first thing I normally hear, a statement which makes me cringe, is, "But it's not fair..." Allah (SWT) forgive the one who makes such a statement, for it is an utterance of shirk. Ameen! The One who made polygyny not only halaal but also recommended was Allaah (SWT), Himself. Therefore, whatever He, in his Great Fairness and Wisdom, has allowed and encouraged is fair by definition. And to say it is unfair is to say that He (SWT) is unfair. May Allah (SWT) guard our tongues from such blasphemy. Ameen! Muslim women have to take their minds out of the gutters of the West, and bring them up to the wisdom and purity of Islam's high ground. Polygyny is not an insult to women; it is a sign of respect. How many women would remain husbandless if it were haraam? Sisters, I beg you. Look to your sisters in the Muslim countries. The number of single women has climbed so high that special laws are being created to try to fix the situation (While I know that many of these laws are misguided and based on fear of cultural intermixing, the fact the problem has reached epidemic proportions is undeniable even to them). In some countries, your sisters are having to resort to such misguided practices as temporary marriage, because polygyny is so looked down upon. May Allaah (SWT) forgive us for making this so. Even, when a sister does choose to go into polygyny, her fellow sisters look to her as a traitor, and often treat her worse than an adulteress. They akin it to stealing someone's husband. Many of our sisters are ostracized and even humiliated, or worse cursed for practicing an act that our Loving Lord recommended to us. May Allah (SWT) guide us. Ameen! Wallahi, it pains me to see the treatment given to second, third and fourth wives. Sisters, we are so caught up in this idea that we possess our men, that even the second or third wife feels she has a right to prevent the inclusion of another into the relationship that benefited her. Where are our minds? Where is our faith in Allaah's (SWT) Wisdom? Where is our submission to the Will of Allaah (SWT)? Where is our love for each other? Where is the wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves, namely family, love and happiness? Astagh Ferrullaah!!! We were not placed on this earth to do anything but worship Allah (SWT), and we have to this as He commanded, not as our desires and jealousies guide us. We are allowed to be jealous. A'isha (RA) our Mother was the MOST jealous of any woman, but she did not allow her jealousy to destroy her deen, Al-hamdulillah. I challenge anyone to show me an example where one of the wives of Muhammad (SAW), or one of the female companions, or even one of the second or third generation ever condemned a woman for becoming a second, third or fourth wife. It was accepted as a part of their deen. Sure, women tried to keep their husbands from taking the second


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LamiaS
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Posted on Sun, Nov 11, 2007 04:53

Your views are elequently stated and are intellectualised, which is supposed to give them substance and a deeper meaning backed by quotes, and sayings from the Quran as a basis of justification to further your beliefs and males like you - infact there are quotes in the Quran that would counteract your arguement, in other words you choose that which suits your needs, and it is precisely what you are doing hear by expousing your views in such a way . Your views, in my opinion are not substanciated, one of which is on the question of 'fairness' (which you turn on its head). You discuss fairness and justice as a tenent of multiple marriage in islam and that mulitiple marriages are fair based on the loss of mails through wars etc, but not once did you consider the far extended negative implication of the feelings of spouses and offsprings and the absence of the father/ husband because he may well spend his time with the woman he loves the most, or simply just doing his round...but these feelings of disconntentment are real and cause distress to children and wives. Does this make it fair or unfair, and should multiple marriages continue to occur if there are these conditions at play?

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talibulislam
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Posted on Tue, Dec 12, 2006 11:21

i love this informative column by ahajii mash'allah. it almost cover every thing & also love the response & understanding of sister Fatima22,shows how positive u r & open minded attitude towards looking into complicated situation like that jazakallah khair. may Allah give us hidaya & better understanding of deen insh'allah


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fatima22
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Posted on Mon, Dec 11, 2006 06:25

Assalamu'alaikum I like this article. Frankly i had thought abuout this decree because when i was about to revert, the common reaction from friends was: Why Islam? You know that their men can have more than one wife???!!! What if it happens to you??? Yes, the question is .....What if it happens to me?? Upon reflection, i believe it all depends on the husband. If the husabnd is able to shower love continually to all his wives, why should i complain? It is only selfish inclination that demands the love of my husband to be solely for myself. Frankly i would rather he made the other woman his wife than live in adultry and lies. If there were children involved with the other woman, it would be more terrible that these children were to suffer as illegitmate kids even though they were purely innoncent in the affair. Initially i can understand that i may feel hurt upon hearing that my husabnd wishes to take a 2nd wife (i am afterall human!) but there are two ways i can approach this situation...... Either i retaliate, quarrel, harbour jealousy, worry and nit pick the slightest things that may seem he was favouring the other wife and make a fuss, etc...all these eventually would lead to much pain, heartaches, and may even spoil a previously beautiful marriage..... OR....i can accept the new wife and even be a good sister to her and view the relationship positively ....and all these would lead to better harmony in the relationship and life still can be blissful for me. No doubt it is said the husband can never love both wives equally but that is HIS responsibilty, not mine. Mine is to make sure i keep the commandments of Allah swt. for if i break any of them, it is I who would be answerable for my actions and intentions in the Hereafter, not my husband. So i feel it not the pemission to take 4 wives that is wrong. It is the abuse and greed on the husband's part, and the selfishness on the wife's part that gave this decree a bad name. But if the husband is one who really fears Allah swt and is just in his love and treatment, then there is no reason for the wives to discard their iman and takwah and complain. This world is after all a temporary abodement and whether to regard polygamy as a painful or happy experience depends a great deal on our attitudes as well....


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lyly72
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Posted on Sun, Dec 10, 2006 18:57

Assalamualaikum, i like your story and thinking about what advantage and disavantage of of polygamy. Wassalamu'alaikum


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lyly72
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Posted on Sun, Dec 10, 2006 18:55

Assalamualaikum, i like your story and thinking about what advantage and disavantage of of polygamy. I hope to receive your opinion.


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lyly72
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Posted on Sun, Dec 10, 2006 18:52

Assalamualaikum, i like your story and thinking about what advantage and disavantage of of polygamy. I hope to receive your opinion.


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lisa2000
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Posted on Mon, May 22, 2006 22:38

The Holy Quran say at 4:3 "And if you fear that you cannot do justice to orphans,marry such women as seem good to you,2 or 3 or 4; but if youfear that you will not do justice, then marry only 1 or that which your right hands possess. This is more proper that you may not do injustice." This was at the time of war or Jihad. So there were a lot of women who did not have a father or husband to take care of them so Allah allowed men to have more than 1 wife. The verse also bring out If you fear you can't do them all justice then marry 1. In other words if you can't treat them equally marry only 1. Most men can't treat 4 woman the same. You can't be in love with 4 women at the same time. You are going to like one more than the other.


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noora2001
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Posted on Mon, May 22, 2006 21:49

Salam brother, It seems you know a lot about ISLAM,and putting your knowledge to GOOD use may ALLAH reward you for that salam.


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yanti1979
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Posted on Wed, May 17, 2006 17:48

Assalamualaikum, i tried to think about this article last a couple of days. It might be a bit hard for me to figure it out since i haven't married yet and have little knowledge about this matter but i tried to look from different views. It brings slightly pain for me to think about my husband ask permission to get married again for some reasons. i wonder if this matter would bring any impact to children. This article only mention about husband and wife and another wife. it doesn't say anything about children. how children is going to be when they know they have more than one mother. what children should do to face this fact? what impact will it bring for children? I believe that every single thing's happend in my life is the will of Allah but mankind is given heart and mind to determine their life's path. I haven't reached any conclusion yet for this matter not until i can get the answer for some questions that came across my mind....hopefully anyone would be willing to share their thought and opinion fairly here...thanks.Wassalam. Yanti


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dayenjkt
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Posted on Wed, May 17, 2006 00:35

Assalamu'alaikum Dear Brother ahjii0817 Can i save your blog? Coz i want to keep it for my self. Maybe i will send it also to my friends. Wassalamu'alaikum


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