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Muslim Blogs > HamduRabbi's blogs > MATURE SISTERS'MARRIAGE & POLYGAMY
MATURE SISTERS'MARRIAGE & POLYGAMY Sort by:
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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Fri, Jun 23, 2006 21:28

REVISTING THE ISSUES OF MATURE SISTERS'MARRIAGE AND POLYGAMY IN NORTH AMERICA. First, I want to thank sister Amenah, who, I believe, raised these two issues in separate blogs. Dear Sirster Amenah, First, I find your profile thoughtful and your photos very beautiful. I lived in DC for close to 15 years working at the World Bank (1818 H Street, 2 blocks from the White House) and Bank of America at the Branch on 2001 Pennsylvania Ave. I am mentioning this so that you understand that I know your city relatively well. Second, I read the very hot and very popular blogs you initiated separately (1)on the obstacles that more mature sisters are facing for finding a suitable husband and (2) the so controversial issue of polygamy. Actually they are closely linked. I would appreciate your sharing your conclusions after so many words have been written on these two topics in these blogs facilitated by this website. To help you, I would like to give you additional input as follows: (1)Mature muslimah are finding difficult to get married because there are not that many brothers of their age available. This is particularly true for the brothers and sisters of African Descent. We all know that the majority of African American live in broken families. So many African American women live alone with their children without a father or a male figure. In our area, sometimes we visit prisons for Dawah work and we notice there a larger number of African American brothers being incarcerated. Fortunately some of them embrace Islam. The dilemma of broken families affects African American Muslims as well as non Muslims. (2) On the issue of polygamy, there are very few questions as controversial and sensitive in North America as this one. The secular laws of the United States forbid polygamy. However there some Christian religious sects that promote it and I believe HBO has just launched a TV series about polygamy in a Salt Lake City Suburb. If I understand correctly, the series are about white folks that live in a polygamist family. Now let's not confuse secular laws with divine laws. As far as Islam is concerned, we ought to be very careful of what we say or write. I want to refer everybody to a book: "The Prophet's Wives". It is an accurate and detailled account of the lives of the "Mothers of the Believers". It should settle the issues of how many wives the Holy Prophet (SAWS) had and the motives why He had that many wifes under the divine permission that was give exclusively to him alone. In fact, he had twelve wives. I have the book's references available for any brother or sister who may be interested. A Muslim is not allowed to make baseless affirmation about the Holy Prophet (SAWS)[Peace Be Upon Him]. Nor is a Muslim allowed to make his own interpretations of the Holy Qur'an. All interpretations and commentaries of the Holy Qur'an should be based on sound Ahadith, i.e. scrutinized under the science of ahadith. The verses in Surah Nisaaa (Chapter IV of the Holy Qur'an) clearly state the permissibility of polygamy provided that the husband can be just and fair among his wives. That is his responsibility, between himself and hi Rabb who will hold him accountable on the day of Reckoning. It is also his right. The correct attitude is for brothers and sisters to recognize and respect the rights and each other. The institution of Polygamy had a purpose: i.e to care for the needs of the widows and orphans of the Muslim ummah at that time of wars. Muslims men fell on the battle fields defending Islam. They left widows and children who had nobody to care of them. Is our situation different today? I understand the reactions of all the sisters: You want to preserve your "aspirations" to have a husband of your own alone without sharing it with any other woman. Yes, some of you will succeed. But is it fair to make it a general rule? There are many muslimat in the USA and Canada, who after converting to Islam find it very difficult to marry and have a Muslim family. This is true for both the Caucasian women as well as the African American women, without even mentioning the Latino and other ethic groups. In Islam such distinction should be abolished. There is only one Muslim Ummah. Skin color or national origins have no bearing. In Madina, at the time of the Holy Prophet (SAWS) there were Suhab arRum (the Caucasian), Salmah al Farsi (the Persian)and Bilal (the Nubian). The Holy Prophet (SAWS) made every effort so that the other Sahaba would not hold difference of treatment and brotherhood (not even in their heart) to the detriment of these three. Today also, the Muslim ummah is faced with a social crisis similar to the one at the time of the Prophet (SAWS). There is a larger percentage of Muslim brothers being incarcerated for various reasons. By the grace of Allah (SWT) there are more sisters converting to Islam, Ma Sha Allah. At a workshop, here in my area, just few months ago, one scholar mentioned a letter he received from a convert Caucasian muslimah who was saying that without polygamy many new muslimah (sisters) would not find a husband. I will leave this statement for the reflection of all brothers and sisters.


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aswadjameel
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Posted on Sun, Nov 12, 2006 09:38

As Muslims we are responsible for knowledge of our deen-the permissable and the forbidden. Remember where we are and what we are dealing with and facing here in the "WEST". Here they are equating same sex unions with those of heterosexual / permissable unions and trying to make sure that such unions facilitate for the partners therein. More that 50% of all heterosexual unions fail, a study once indicated that if every man in North America were to marry one woman, there would be @8,000,000 left and about 70% of all African American children are born out of wedlock, yet we (Muslim men and women)sit here and lament about the permissability of polygany and the success and or failure rate of the few miniscule cases that we may hear about or the lack or abscense of perfection with which a brother may deal with the issue or situation. I am sure just as many of you know of sisters who make the argument that they have to marry non-Muslims due to the lack of single brothers arround, which is totally haraam. Nevertheless we continue to entertain the dialectics of this manifest denial of the deen of ALLAH (swt). For all of us here in the "WEST" who are reverts among the sisters and the brothers, from Christianity and this dunyah-we know what is going on out there in "BABYLON". Now we are here with guidance sure and the map of the path to paradise, except we refuse to follow it. All the while we lament the decaying trend in America in regards to its social fiber, but how are we dealing with the issues facing our nation? Are we using the remedies that ALLAH (swt) provided us with? Or are we trying in vain and in shameful denial of the reality that we live in, to, even as Muslims, follow the distructive path that is laid out for us by the designs of the kuffar? Shaytaan is a liar!!!! In the dunyah people accept things that are permissable in ISLAM-Plural wives- yet when they enter ISLAM they cannot deal with it!!! May ALLAH (swt) protect us from this sickness! We must want for our brothers and sisters what we want for ourselves. The truth is that ISLAM proper has not yet been shown to the "WEST". Who has done the work??? Every time I see some one on Oprah, or some other talk show that decides to deal with one of the issues related to us, it is always some unknown apologetic "so-called" muslim who lacks the intellect, knowledge and will to properly address the issue. We have a lot of work to do and it starts with the basic building blocks of society-THE FAMILY!! There are foriegn muslims whose children have grown up here and know a little about this capitalist society and the media education system. There are likewise African muslim families here in the same position. Then there is the indigenous African and Caucasian American who understands even better how this system negatively erodes the moral fiber of the individual. This work will not be done with the vote, it will be done through our families-our children who are taught to love AALAH and HIS messenger and HIS deen. Some how we must get it together and learn how to build communities of brothers and sisters who not only live, work and pray and play together but who love each other as they love themselves. Bottom line is that the sisters know that they are in denial and rejection of that decree of ALLAH (swt) regarding plural wives and the brothers know that they are falling short in emplementing and realizing that duty and responsibility! May ALLAH (swt) foregive us for where we fall short and increase us from where we know not, Ameen. May ALLAH (swt) foregive us for fearing other than HIM, AMEEN! Allah (swt) has promised that we get what we intend! Stand firm mumin and muminunah and be patient, for our hope is in ALLAH (swt)!!!!!!!! If there is any truth, any good in what I have related here then it is from ALLAH (swt) and if there is any evil, negative or erronious thing related here then that is from myself and shaytaan. Ma Salaam aswadjameel


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baqi9
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Posted on Tue, Oct 24, 2006 18:09

As salaamu alaikum I've noticed that most sisters American or not dislike plural marriages for a number of reasons. Some say that they could never live with the fact of their husband being with someone else. Question, how do you know if you've never been in that situation? Truth is, you don't know you think. Now for those sisters, what about all of the other things in life that you thought you could't do until you tried. I'm sure just like with this there were cheerleaders saying you can't do it, it's not right for you and so on. Then there are sisters who say, "I've never seen a plural marriage work". What about the rest of us who have? No can argue that more single marriages fail than plural marriages just because of the number of single marriages. So by Allah why marry into this type marriage since so many fail? The fact is we can look for excuses for this or that, but until we know our deen and accept all of it we will never be successful. I don't care if it is an older sister or a younger sister(men too) your marriage is simply what you strive for it to be. I believe that sometimes we forget that marriage "is" part of our deen, and that is why most marriages fail. Allah clearly states that we will never be successful until we make Muhammad SAWS a judge between us. That we are to follow the perfect example that He have to mankind, and so on. So sisters older and younger, look for a husband with good deen if you truly want a successful marriage and a happy life. This basiclly the advice of an nabi SAWS for men and women, take it or leave it, just don't complain about a failed marriage because the brother or sister wasn't properly adhereing to the Qur'an wa Sunnah. As a side note we never really know a person until we live with them, so be careful in who you choose as a spouse. Investigate the persons background through friends, family, and community before you marry. Good deen and good character are not hard to find anymore, you just have to look.


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Sereen3000
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Posted on Wed, Oct 18, 2006 23:17

Assalamualikum Brother HamduRabbi, Would it be possible to get a link to these two articles you mentioned? I would be very curious to read the whole articles. jazakum allah


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snowfall7
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Posted on Wed, Oct 18, 2006 03:45

I Think the word MATURE sister is not appropriate if it simply means to denote sisters who are not younger. we should use other terms if we need to denote the growing age of a girl.


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Saridewirahmat
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Posted on Mon, Sep 04, 2006 07:13

Now, I remember Muhammad SAW wives's names. Thank you big brother. Is it right...? Some of them asked Muhammad to divorced them too... Because they think that they too old for marriage life after a while and might just gave their time for pray to Alloh...? Wassalam.


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Mon, Jul 10, 2006 07:44

I came accross two articles in the web that give a twist on this issue. The first gives an estimated ratio of new converts in North America. It states that in every 5 who revert to Islam, four of them are women. It is safe to add that, sometimes, these new sisters find themselves to be single mothers because the husband opposed their conversion and they went through a divorce. I have read about some of those cases. The second article touches upon some Christian who practice polygamy. The husbands have multiples wifes, as they are not bound by the Islamic limits. The author is a professional woman who explain the positive aspect of the life she lives as she is married with a man that has more that six wifes. She claims that this is the ultimate solution for those women who prone feminisme. Is there a contradiction in here?


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Sat, Jul 01, 2006 08:02

Asalaamu Alaykum to all brothers and sisters in this website. Bismillahe ArRahmane ArRhime. All praises are due to Allah (SWT). He knows the seen and the unseen, the past, the present and the future. He knows what is best for us, we know not; He knows our needs more than we do. He knows all our sins and mistakes. Unless He forgive us, we'll be held accountable. May Allah (SWT) forgive us. He created the Islamic Institutions for our own benefits and put safeguards to protect us. We discard his commands and violate his prohibitions, showing lack of gratitude to the countless blessings He granted us. All the comments, you sisters, have made on this bog are true examples of Muslim Brothers, including myself, ignoring the safeguards Allah (SWT) put in Islamic Institutions such as monogamist or polygamist marriages, disobeying his direct commands; and coming short on the obligations he put on us. The hardship in our own lives, the weakness and overwhelming difficulties the Muslim Umma is facing are the results of our own ill deeds. Conflicts and hardship arise in both monogamist and polygamist marriages. It is easy to advise to have patience and perseverance. It is much more difficult to apply or follow that precept. Only Allah (SWT)'s rescue and guidance can help us overcome our shortcomings and setbacks. Allah (SWT) has given clear rights to Muslimah sisters. Those rights are b


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lolly
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Posted on Fri, Jun 30, 2006 17:18

Assalamo Alaykom brother, First I would like to say that I enjoy reading all of your blogs, may Allah give you hekma and enlighten you always. As for polygamy, there is no doubt that it is lawful in Islam (with a max of four wives at any time). However, the practice of many brothers embarking on polygamy is far from nobel and far from just. I believe that is why so many women oppose polygamy today. If more women had experienced successful polygamist marriages, maybe we would be more accepting of the concept in our own lives. However, unfortunately I have not met anyone who had experienced a successful polygamistic marriage and more often the results of such, are severely damaging both emotionally, socially, and finacially. Further more most men (as what I have seen) approach polygamy with secrecy, dishonesty, and without informing his current wife/s. Personally I was very open to the concept as a possibility I would consider for myself. I have been approached by many brothers offering to take me as a second wife, and everytime I ask the same question, "why do want a second wife?". Here are the rediculous reponses I have received: My wife doesn't understand me, we don't get along. I only stay with her for the sake of our children. Oh, how nobel of you, so I come along and make her already miserable life even more miserable. No thanks!! Its sunna it must be done. Ok, but brother, how do you know that you can handle two wives, when you haven't even had one yet. Oh, that's not your concern, I can handle it. Well, I'm afraid it is my concern, I will be the one affected when reality shows you that you are not super man. Oh, I am a wealthy man, I can afford to look after you and your chilren and provide you with a loving caring life. Ok, sounds good but does your current wife know? Oh, she doesn't need to know, it will be our little secret. Oh, I see, so basically you are looking for what you perseve as a halal mistress!!! I could go on and on. Needless to say, I have come to realise that men like the sahaba don't exist any more. The chances that a man can commit polygamy as Allah specified seems to be non existant. Finally I would like to leave you with with something to consider. Allah's rules were given to us to protect us and guide us to lead a righteous path. If we look deeply into Islam it is obvious that everything we were commanded to do is for our good and protection. Keeping that in mind, I would like to ask how women in polygamist marriages are protected when they live in Western societies? In such societies, polygamy is illegal, therefore, only one wife can be the legal wife. Hence, any subsequent wives, have no legal rights what so ever. This has complex social implications, not only for the non legal wife, but for any children produced from such a marriage as well. Further more, in order for polygamy to occur the parties involved all have to lie about the reality of the situation. Is lying allowed in this situation? There is a hadith that states that a Muamin can be many things but never a lier. We live in a decaying world with decaying morals and standards. There are plenty of single people around. Just as there are sisters reverting to Islam, there are brothers too reverting to Islam. However the problem seems to be that Muslim men are more inticed by flirtateous non pios women, and Muslim women are inticed by images such as job, car, clothes of a prospective husband. No one is following the sunna any more on how to pick a spouce. Huge generalisation, I know, but look around, how many single people are on this site alone??? Why is there no baraka in people finding one antoher??? Something for us all to think about.


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Thu, Jun 29, 2006 05:54

Thank you sister Amenah and sister Nailah2000 for your sound observatitons. It seems to me self evident that the rights of the wife, clairly expressed in the Holy Qur'an, put an obligation on the husband to meet her needs from what Allah (SWT)has provided for him. It is his obligation to go and seek his rizq regardless of what difficulties he may face in the process. If he does not meet his obligations, his rights are curtailed as a result. Your comments have further implications: (1) Can a woman ask for a commitment from her husband that she would be his only wife? Can she put a condition in her marriage contract that the husband would not seek more spouses? (2) Whether that condition exist or not, what would happen if, in the course of the marital life, the husband decides to mary other women? I tought to seek answers to those questions. I hope that the blog on "Potential Conflicts Arising from Polygamistic Intent" will at least begin to address these issues.


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Wed, Jun 28, 2006 03:39

The commentaries on the Verse on "Polygamy in the Holy Quran" has been posted this morning. However there is a major problem. The apostrophes in the orignal document have all been changed into questions marks. This makes the text difficult to read. I may have to remove the blog and eliminate all the apostropes with the hope that the text will still keep it integrity and meaning. I am sorry about such technical issues.


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Mon, Jun 26, 2006 13:49

A summary of the Commentaries on verse 4 of Chapter IV fo the Holy Qur'an has been posted as new blog, as I was unable to past the text into this blog. The editing feature kept close with any attempt to insert the new addition. I apologize for any inconvenience.


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amenah
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Posted on Mon, Jun 26, 2006 13:45

as-salaam alaikum brother, Surkon for your answer, and for all the great information that you all of us that is on this jounery to find a life parnter. I have also thought about and have had a few offer to be a second wife. But sister African American I can not say anything about any one else but the ones I am around the most even though we are muslim we still have that mean set that we know that polygamy is permissible but sister made the brother life so hard he can not begin to get thing together to have that second wife once the brother tell her about his intention thing start to go wrong in the house he need to work on this and that or she become so hurt by the thought of him even telling her his intentions. Now in one of my cases the brother and I happen to be going to a class at the Masjid she was not going to the classes he would see me there you know out side at the bus stop etc. It was in the winter here in DC. very cold and starting to snow and offered me a ride home. With in that short ride he ask me if I was married, no I am not, why not, do you have a walie at that time I do not and still don't anyway he asked if he could be, he had a few brother he thought was single so with in getting information about me and what I wanted in a husband and he asked a few brothers they had things to do before they could be ready for marriage like go to hajj first.G


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Sun, Jun 25, 2006 19:36

In sha Allah, I will add comments on the verse of Surah Nisaaa (Chapter IV of the Holy Qur'an) on the permissibility of multiple wives. These comments will be a summury of the comments from the famous tafsir of the Holy Qur'an by Tabari.


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HamduRabbi
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Posted on Sun, Jun 25, 2006 05:13

For those brothers and sister who may be interested, here are the references of the book on the wives of the Holy Prophet (SAWS): "Wives of the Holy Prophet (Peace be Upon Him)"; revised edition 1994. Author: Fida Husain Malik, B.A, LL.B (Alig). Adam Publishers and Distributors Shandar Market, Chitli Qabar, Delhi. The author devoted his Chapter III on "Polygamy in Islam". The Mothers of the Faithful were: (1) Khadijah; (2) Sawdah; (3)Aishah; (4) Hafsah; (5) Zainab Bint Khuzaymah; (6) Umm Salamah; (7)Juwayrihah; (8) Zaynab Bint Jahsh; (9) Umm Habibah; (10)Safiyyah; (11) Maymunah; and (12) Maryam Qibtiyah. May Allah (SWT) be pleased with all of them.


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