have some questions about rights to sexual intimacy (all related questions):
1) If a wife has to always fulfill her husband's sexual desires even when she doesn't want to, does this mean that he has to fulfill her desires when he doesn't want to, as well? Can a wife "demand" sex as husbands can?
2) Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a husband can lead him to other sin, doesn't refusing a wife lead HER to sin, as well?
3) What constitutes a "valid" reason for refusing intimacy? For example, even though husbands can enjoy their wives while they're menstruating by putting a garment over their privates, does she have to engage in intimacy if she is having slight cramps, not even a "valid" sickness?
4) Shouldn't the husband just respect that his wife is simply "not in the mood"? Wouldn't he enjoy it more if she IS in the mood, or is he like an animal that needs his desires fulfilled ASAP?
Please help me as I have trouble coming to terms with this seemingly "unfair" concept, even when the couple is mutually respectful and communicative. If a sister could answer, that would be appreciated. May Allah reward you best.
I will try to answer from the little knowledge I have,
1. Men are more to arouse than women, this is why its very easy to convince when he does not want sex than to convince a woman, yes a wife can demand sex, and husband most of the time is more willing.
2. Yes its sinful for a husband to refuse a wife, although it does not happen very often. Wife also has an option if her husband refuses her for a longer period than 4 months, to ask for talaq and take her case to court.
3. As we have mentioned, men are aroused faster than women, I would advise that you try to learn about sexuality in men and women, and how men are different in terms of getting the desire easily and hence can fall to a trap easily than a woman. Ultimately its agreement between a husband and a wife, I have told my wife, that even if u refuse to me, I will ask Allah to forgive you, and I ask her also to forgive me if I have not fulfilled her haqqs (responsibilities towards her).
4. I am a husband, sometimes myself I understand the frustrations when I ask my wife and she simply refuses when she had promised me before, she is not in mood or she has headache, she is feeling sleepy and so on. Believe me these frustrations can lead somebody to fall into sins, sometimes it may lead to fights for days and days, look for alternative satisfactions and ultimately break the bond of love. I would suggest to understand each other, love each other and tolerate each other, afterall thats what love is all about, sometimes you are just doing to please the partner even if you don't feel it, sometimes husband has to do the same, he does just to please her.
I agree that husband has been given upper hand by the Shariah, but thats due to his nature, still Prophet has said, two are men's greatest weaknesses ... and a man who sleeps with his wife, he fulfils his desire but fails to fulfils her desires" This hadith puts importance to fulfil wife's desires during intercourse