I've heard stories and have been told that, the sister was wonderful until she finished college. And, a woman does not have to do house work if she does not want to. And, a husband and wife should compromise as to what should and should not be done.
What's your take on these and anything else you can think of?
we have to obey the Islamic rules. But I want to cook my husband and I want him to cook for me. It is the sprit of tolerance. I love cooking for my husband, and he will love too. If I love him, this does not hurt me. It will be my honour.
The commands of Allah and His messenger Muhammad SAWS nullify all thoughts and desires that are against of being any good. Sure men and women can do some of the same things nooo doubt. But we have to obey the command of Allah as men in protecting and providing for our families. Sisters do not have to work outside of the home under this command, you guys simply want to. I'm not refering to the cases when the sisters have to work, just the ones that want to.
An Nabi SAWS ordered the women to ayat in their homes, the exception was in going to the masjid and eid celebrations.
As for types of jobs, women are not supposed to be out in positions over men. The hadith that states a people will never be successful with a woman as their leader gives us this understanding.
There are far more fields of work that women can do besides being a teacher or a nurse. The problem lies in mixing of the sexes in most jobs which is haraam. If you can get around the mixing then do the job, if not don't. If your husband does not mind you working good, if not, don't. If he helps around the house good, if not, that is his choice.
Insha Allah I'll post this long fatawa I found on this topic.
I am of the opinion that a female can never run from her responsibilities as a wife and mother. Whether she is successful in her career, or if she is the head of her company, running a conglomerate or managing hundreds of staff under her, when she gets home, she has to acknowledge and fulfil her responsibilities as a wife and mother.
However, i am disappointed at anyone who has a tendency to categorise talents as being strictly for the males or females only.
Talents are given to us by God.. some have an inclination for certain areas, and when pursued, can master the trait or talent much better than others, irrespective of their gender.
I have seen ambitious muslimahs who have keen interests to pursue their studies in certain fields but they are often discouraged by their parents or their husbands. The general response they get is often " You are a FEMALE, so no need to study so high....eventually you will end up as a wife and mother..." or " that's a predominantly male career... better just to be teachers or nurses....!!"
Praise be to Allaah. ?
Shaykh Ibn Jibreen said: the custom of the Muslims has always been that the wife should serve her husband in the customary manner, by preparing food, washing his clothes and vessels, cleaning the house, etc., according to what is appropriate. This was the custom at the time of the Prophet and has remained so until the present day, and no one has objected to it. But the wife should not be burdened in a manner that causes her hardship or difficulty, rather it should be in accordance with her ability and what is customary. And Allaah is the Source of strength.
I agree with sister pagaly that that the burden of the home and family should be equal to both .......and with that, i'd like to add that at times, we should also put our pride and ego aside....
Previously before i reverted, i had a room mate who was very good at whipping up delicious dishes, even from left overs....... but hopless with machineries & technical stuff.
Myself, on the other hand, do possess the knack of unravelling the technical mysteries if i observe and concentrate hard enough at the gadget or have the manual at hand (a little gift from the Creator for which i am always grateful...).
However because of ego and pride, my room mate would always insist on trying to fix the gadgets or to take on the repairs in the house.......because..... he is "the man" !
The gadgets would always end up worse than before! Then i had the tedious task of not only to repair them, but also undo the damage that he had done!
Only after much arguments and proven track records, he finally admitted his inability to comprehend the mechanical aspects (even though he is a man....) and we finally had a more condusive living arrangement when he left the repairs to me and i left the plat du jour to him!
( PS....I know the discussion in this blog is about the role of a muslim husband & wife, but thought i'd share the practical outcome mentioned above as it can be applicable in a marriage and family situation as well... can it not ??? )
salaam brother baqi good to see u back..yes i agree with the evidence that u have collated together, in my culture there is a saying that husband n wife is like two tyres on a bicycle, if one gets puntured then the other carries on.
in reality it means that the burden of the home and family should be equal to both, personally i really dont think that its a big deal on who cooks what n who is the bread winner, the bottom line is that there should be a sound understaning between both partners, that way there would be no issue of who should obey who.
I agree that such hadith is there about Zubair, but I presented a view of one of the scholars, I also strongly believe that Imam Shafi knew of that Hadith, maybe he had different interpretation.
Nevertheless we agree on the principles, A wife cannot go out without consent of his husband, and if Nabii who was is our model helped his wives in their homes, are we better than him that we cannot help our wives ?
Yes, the husband is the head of the household from Aya, Arrijaalu qawwamuna alalnisaa, but at the same time, Prophet did listen to their ideas and followed them if they were not against Shariah.
Women, also went to Jihad to help the wounded, and even Hadhrat Fatimah went to help the prophet with his wounds.
At the same time Prophet ordered us we need to be kind to women, tolerate them of their weaknesses, and prophet said you can't get a woman with 100% perfection, if you are happy with one character then you might not be happy with another character.
A husband owns Talaq, which is due to his ability to control his anger and normally does not take hasty decisions, all of us we have had fight with our wives, and many times we hear them saying, give me Talaq, just think if they were given that rights how many talaqs would have passed. A woman can't leave her husband without consent of a Qadhi, unless her husband is willing.
Islamic Shariah, understands inborn habits of each gender, and has done what is the best for each, we all have to abide to it, at the same time we have to look at our environment, our situation, our times, we can still stick to our religion at the same time have a softer approach and be within shariah.
As salaamu alaikum ahki,
I can't disagree more enough to the thought that the wife doesn't have to cook or clean for her husband. Imam Shafi' RA along with all the imams of the sunnah adhered to the sunnah, not their opinions. So when a sunnah reached them after they already have a fatawa, their opinions were to throw their speech against the wall and adhere to the sunnah.
In this case we have clear evidence that an Nabi SAWS would help his wives around the house. We also have clear evidence that kibar sahaaba did not do anything around the home like Zubair RA. He had his wife do everything including feeding the animals. And his wife was a daughter of the best person after all of the prophets, abu bakr. If it were not also the sunnah of an Nabi SAWS, abu bakr nor Umar nor any of the sahaaba.
Now if there is clear evidence from an Nabi SAWS that shows that the wife doesn't have to cook or clean for her husband, then that is that, but thus far no one has brought evidence to show that is the case.
Also we know that the husband is Allah, otherwise we'd be kufar. This thread is not about people who aren't trying to adhere to the sunnah. It is for people to better understand rights in a marriage that Allah and His Messenger prescribed, Insha Allah.
a wife should listen to her husband as long as her husband does not request her to do something against shariah. Prophet says, "there is no obedience to a human being against the obedience to Allah".
Women have rights as well as men, Prophet mentions specifically in Hajjatul Wadaa rights of each. Yes, a better place for a woman is at home, yet if she is within shariah limits she is allowed to work outside her home.
Husband is not God, nor is supposed to be treated like one, if we speak of responsibilities, then husband has a responsibility of fulfilling wife's needs, food, clothes and shelter are all responsibilties of a husband, while wife has to take care of her husband in his house, belongings, and sleep with him. Some scholars of which I follow (Shafi) even mentions that its not must for a wife to cook for a husband, wash his clothes or do housework, but for a husband its a must to look after her needs. Therefore husband has got more responsibilities than a wife.
yes i agree with what u say, when one looks at life it is really so easy to live, only we as human beings make it difficult on our selves, following islam is not difficult at all, in fact it is so easy, its just common sense, but sometimes when one is married to the wrong person u can go blue in the face and the other will still refuse to acknowledge insisting that they are right no matter how much evidence u show them, so sometimes its just not right to even try and get some one to undrestand islam especially if an argument is gonns break out, one can not reason with some one who does not want to be reasonable...and thats very tough to live with some one like that.
unfortunatley my marriage has broken up, its sad coz he doesnt even think about the children, carrying a burden of 7 children is hard enough, but i suppose i should be grateful that our children dont have to confuse themselves with what came out of our mouths whilst we were with each other. i struggle everyday to bring them up and i teach them what little knowledge i know, at the same time i educate my self as well, but that just goes to show that one can try and try as hard as they like to please their spouse, some just dont know how to be pleased.
Salam bro n sister, I am from Indonesia, just wanna share what we (I and my wife) has experienced as a family. All of u know that lives in Indonesia is very difficult and now we are working in Malay just for a few dollar to grow up our children. I am a religious person since I was in the university and my wife is now studying Islam and getting more understanding about what she should be.
Yes I do agree with bro Baqi and at the same time I do not argue with sister Pagaly, since Islam will come to us gradually and we ofcourse will not be able to learn the whole in a second. Just like the weight-lifting athlete who wanna lift 200 kg load, he must do practicing day-by-day and kg-by-kg and if he try to lift all the load without training sure only injury that he will get and worstly to be hospitalized. It happen to the women that try to accept all the burden on her own without the help of her husband and families like what sister Pagaly told us.
In our family, discussion is the most important thing and of course I do not insist my wife to directly follow my oppinion which is based on hadits. I rather discuss about our problems in the other day that we are already not in a anger condition that could make every ideas being passed away. And my wife is now joining a relious meeting and I really feel that she becomes more religious each day.
I think if both husband n wife already reach a real moslem then hundred percent they must apply any Islam laws, but if only one of them who is ready without ask with Islam then he/she must teach patiently and accordingly about Islam to his/her spouse, not just by force that will end up with divorce or mental problem. We can learn about that from our prophets story on how to patiently spread Allah lights to our family.
Reading what you went through and perhaps is still going through now, can't help but feel admiration for your resillence. Most others in your position would have been wallowing in their misery or resigning to their unfortunate state, but you have chosen to surface and even take time to assist, comfort and share your knowledge and experience.
Your husband is of an indian heritage? This is because you mentioned that "he feels that a womens place is in the home and that her husband is God..."
i remember seeing the hindi movie Khabhi Khushi Khabie Gham (not sure about the spelling)...acted by SRK, Amitabh, Jaya & Kajol, and there was a scene where Jaya told Amitabh that the wife was supposed to regard her husband as god, etc... that's why i gathered this mentality of your husband..
Guess the problem is that most families are still mixing religion and racial customs, and may not even be able to tell the difference between them!
Yes, i have noticed that even the most religious of them cannot discard their customs completely. But it is horrible when they insist that these customs are actually Islamic teachings!!
One can see these customs emerging especially during celebrations or certain rituals like weddings or funerals. There were times when i attended them, i would ask if certain things they did were Islamic practices or customary performances because i did not remember learning or reading about them.
Your husband having done Hajj and reading the quran daily and all, he should be fully aware that in Islam, the husband has to provide for his wife and children...not his mother alone. What's his valid answer if you questioned him on this responsibilty of his? Can no one at the mosque help to open up his eyes if he is blind to his mistreatments towards you?
May Allah swt strenghten you further and reward you for your sacrifices. And may your children cherish you as well.
well all i can say about that is that some men feel that islam is so sick in the mind that they have to treat their women like that, belive me i was treated like that, up to the extent that i was so scared from my mom coz, on the saying of my husband and in laws that my mom and brothers were doing some kinda black magic on me.
its only been like 6 years that i belive in what i read, my husband even stopped me from reading the quran and the namaz telling me that iwas reading it wrong!!!!..i asked him to teach me but he would make up excuses like ur dirty, whether i was on my period or not...anyway thats the past...i now am doing things for myself and my children..i dont really care about him all i can say is that hes excess bagage that i have to carry around, when the weight becomes to much it will have to be dropped.
i have seen so many young girls in my postion that i have forgoton how unhappy i am, instead i look towards Allahs help, man can misguide u but Allah (SWT) will not, one feels at peace within oneself, knowing very well that he is there for u, i dont belive that my burden is too heavy for me now, but there was a time, when i was so stressed out that i just want a hole to open up n eat me.
my mother in law is still enjoying his money whilst i live on benefits and handouts from my family.
i am not the type to enjoy taking like this thats why iam studying , by the time i finish my youngest will be attending school full time, then i can work. but my husband doesnt give two hoots..he prays 5xs a day reads the quran on a regular basis and has done haj.
he feels that a womens place is in the home and that her husband is God like therefore that gives him the right to do what ever he wants.
I agree with sister pagaly that sometimes a female just wants to go out of the house for a peace of mind. You may be bogged down with so much problems at home that it helps to have a change of scene for a while to get your sanity back. But some husbands cannot see this need and may be overtly possessive. Either the wife is out with him or noone at all, not even girlfriends. It is like a mental prison.
I knew of a girl whose husband and mother in law insisted she stay at home all the time and cut off all contacts even with her girlfriends and ex colleagues. They did not even let her go to the shops for groceries. All was done by their housemaid. She could only go out when her husband was free to take her out, but her husband was always busy in his business and always entertaining business associates. All this was done on the excuse that it is the proper islamic requirement that the wife cannot go out without a muhrim.
For a year and a half, the girl went out only once during the eid festival, and that too, just to visit her own parents...accompanied by her husband. She went into a mental breakdown after some time and the nerve of the mother in law....she sent her back to her parents and asked her son to divorce her!!
Now the girl suffers from depression; no one wants to marry her; her life is ruined but those responsile claimed that they were merely following the islamic requirements?
How do we prevent abuse of the islamic laws from those who have a wrong mindset of the application of certain laws??
salaam brother baqi, well thanks for the detailed info, and i take my hijaab off to u bro for raising ur children single handley, only problem is that ur wife was dead, my husband isn't, i raise 7 children by myself and he really doesn't care, as for going out yes i do agree with the permission of the husband, but not in the way some non Muslims would see it, for me i see it as a pieace of mind.
there have been times when i have cried because i have felt the burden of carrying my children to heavy to continue, but if it hadn't been for my mom n mt brothers i wouldn't be here.
thanks to Allah (SWT) that i have been blessed with obedient children and with a wonderful family. but like u say brother, there is no need to go out and work when Ur husband can do it all for u....but what about me....i want to stay at home and have a larger family but i cant because my husband doesn't earn for me he does it for his mom, and she is never filled, so tell me brother are sisters like me going against Islam, because we refuse to have anymore children and only concentrate on bringing up our families, our husband are so shameless that they sit and eat with us knowing perfectly well that they havent made any contributions to the house.
Yes I grew up cooking. At three my sister who was 5 and my friend also 5 use to make eggs and oatmeal, grits and toast. I use to watch my mother cook and she'd sometimes show me how to do things. So by the time I was in the 3rd grade, I was making simple meals. Later on in high school I decided not to go into the army, but instead go to cooking school...go figure. I didn't do either, instead I went into the navy and lost my love for cooking, masha Allah. You think house work is that hard? I was a single parent for almost 2 years with 4 small children to take care of. Their mother died, and I don't live in the same city as my family, so I had no help. I did all of the house work and outside work, so I know all of the ends and outs of being at home. My current wife and I have 2 children masha Allah, but the other children are older and more able to help her masha Allah. Being at home is no cake walk all of the time, but I do not jump for joy about the work I do.
Sister since you know the hadith, and it is authentic, that is what you should live by. It may be hard in the beginning, or it may continue to be hard, but the reward with Allah will make that difficulty seem worthless. Sisters only have to obey their husband, perform salah, fast, give zakat and you'll be allowed to enter jannah by the door you choose. You don't have to leave the home for nothing, see who easy this can be?
Masha Allah I can complain very little about what my wife does or doesn't do. She was a kafr when I met her, walhamdulilah she in some ways is better than me. Masha Allah she'd never leave the home without my permission unless it was important, and she'd leave a voice mail anyway.
How would any of you know that it would be my wife writing? Allah would know, I would know, and she would know. Unless she spoke to a sister on the phone or video cam, I think all I'd hear from most sisters is that that isn't my wife...it's me pretending.