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Arranged Marriage...the only right way?
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Posted on Sat, Aug 26, 2006 03:10

If it is not permitted to date/interact with non mahram, arranged marriage seems the only option for muslims. I am curious about your opinions.

Would you accept an arranged marriage? Would you agree to have your daughters married to someone they do not know anything about accept the general info of the person's age/race/occupation? Can we know a person's real character by just a few meetings with famiy members? Surely people put on their best behaviour when in public, but in private, how can we know if the contents of the package inside is as good as the wrapping outside?



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Posted on Sun, Dec 07, 2008 18:45

salam alikum , sister. Whats wrong with an arranged marriages?? Still you have time to get to know a guy being engaged with him. Why its so important do date a guy for several years or months?? do u think people who date for 1 or 2 years never make mistakes?? or do u think they love forever?? I dont think so..even i think people who had arramged marrige have mroe chances for longlasting respect & love in family than people who were dating for long time before marrige. & i know lots of cases with arranged marriages & things are ok..Good luck to u sister...JazakAllah Kheyir



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Posted on Wed, Jan 16, 2008 17:49

Marriages can only survive with respect existing between the couple, and respect existing with Allah. The match Allah approves of has a good chance of being blessed. Guidance should be sought by the couple from Allah in their dreams. Light a candle and ask for guidance from the spirit, then go to sleep. This is how the prophets of old received guidance. It is the woman's dream that will be most significant. If she promises Allah 20% of the love energy that the relationship produces, she will be blessed. All things are possible with Allah if allah has enough love energy to work with.



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Posted on Wed, Jul 25, 2007 16:03

slm brother badisse, i would just like to say that well done for being the few men who has the guts to actually talk about their relationship.

one of the things that hit me about your comment was how you felt, like maybe Allah SWT might be displeased with you that you had wanted to divorce you wife.

belive it or not bro this is exactly how i felt in the last few years about my marriage. my situation is near enough like yours, but i have found it soo hard to get out of. Allah knws how much i have tried to pluck up the courage inside of me to get out but its the children that i stop for. i dont want my kids to see me as a bad mom.

plz tell me how you got out? what was the last straw and what kind of emotionally feelings did you have when you left?

tc ws



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Posted on Mon, Jul 23, 2007 22:52

My biggest down fall in my life was to listen to the advise of my mother who I loved very much; but didn't always have the best advise. I married a woman because my mother fell in love with her not me and in the years that followed, I suffered. We both did. It was extremely painful to divorce because I believed it was against Allah. I couldn't begin to tell you the torment I went through believing Allah would curse me. But I felt it was right. I told her I didn't want to marry her before we even got married; but by that time, I had an army of family around me and they were pressuring me to get married. She pleaded and told me we just could pretend for a year and I agreed. She lied. For the following years we both suffered. My mother even hired an attorney to sue me to force me to get married. It was crazy. A marriage without love. Is like a living death. I would rather be dead then to live without love for my wife. They just didn't understand this.

Unfortunately, and after so many years of pain, I decided the only way to get peace was to cut off my mother completely and divorce. She is too much into American society and money. She is a rich woman; but a woman who lost the understanding what a good life is and what love means.

I think it is VITAL that a woman and man have a chance to get to know each other first. To have enough time to findout if love could grow, and if possible, allow love to exist first. How many arranged marriages like mine have found both partners in depression because there was no love. I would rather be dead than to live life like that. I want love in my life and love for our children. It was hard to think that if we ever had children that they would be brought into this World without it. How selfish can a person be to do something like that...

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Posted on Wed, Jul 18, 2007 20:12

Salam Alikume sister,

i think arranged marriage is not bad at all, even love may come lately..but as i know even in most conservative muslim familes there is such understanding as engagement where people may get to know each other, sure there should 3rd one with them. I dont think parents may wish to their kids bad. Most of time young people r crazy, they go for appereance, but parents may see real pic. Sure before marriage evry man is just a gift & real face comes after marriage, but i think talking to family members, watching how father of son treaths his wife, how sister in law treats her kids u make come to the point where r u going

salam alikum



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Posted on Thu, Jun 14, 2007 16:21

salaam sister angel godess,

its sad to hear what you have gone through and i really can understand the humilliation you must of went through, guys like this show you the world but when bite comes to crunch they crumble, i suppose you can call your self lucky that you didnt end up with him, just imagine what would've happend!

anyway im just wondering dont they have a marriage burea service at the mosque where guys and women come n give their profiles and the type of person they are looking to get married to?

life is awkward at times but you have to stop yourself falling back into the past, that way you will never be able to go forward.

tc sister wish you all the best



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Posted on Fri, Jun 08, 2007 16:53

Dear sister, I did accept an arranged marriage. Everything was all set, paid for , dinner planned for friends and family afterwards. The day of the marriage he never showed up. About 20 minutes later his brother showed to appologize that he just couldn't go through with the marriage and he would be returning home. It was too difficult for him here. His brother said he had decided this days before but was afraid to say anything. Needless to say I am still afraid to relly trust anyone who shows interest or wishes to speak with me or meet me reguarding marriage. I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. Now I'm afraid that most brothers will see me as being too old to marry because of my age they will think I can no longer have children also, which is not true. Allah puts many things on us and tests us in many ways to see how strong our faith is. I have a very close friend/sister who has an arranged marriage and it worked out great. But I also know of others who ended up in divorce in less then 1 year. It all depends on the couple, their deen, and how serious they are about following allah's guidance and making it work for the sake of Allah.



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Posted on Tue, Sep 12, 2006 12:33

assalamualiakum sister pagaly

your daughters are so lucky to have you as their mum. If i had a mum with your conviction, i need not worry and doubt...I would just say 'Okay mum, i'll marry whoever you've chosen' because i'll know you've done all the thorough checking for me.

The problem is not all parents bother to consider about this. Sometimes just because the parents are friends they think it is good to extend the relationship with their children too. They forget that each of their children have a character of their own and what is good for the goose may not be good for the gander!



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Posted on Tue, Sep 12, 2006 10:39

salaam sister suraya, well marriage isn't something one rushes in to..agreed that theres no fol proof way..but the bottom line is that at least we can say that we tried our damm hardest to make sure that the guy was OK...again personally i think if u have been in my shoes u would think like this also..as for my children well yes that's true..only difference is that when u raise Ur children an Islamic way they tend to live that way especially if u let them have their opinions..this way they can ask at lot n learn alot..same goes when u are finding them their marriage partner. I'm not gunning u down so dont worry..maybe if u were my mom in law then i might..lol



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Posted on Mon, Sep 11, 2006 13:53

araanged marriage, investigations, not sure if there is such thing as a foolproof way forward. sometimes you just have to accept that your experience was meant for you. Nice guys change and so do bad ones-do you know what tommorrow brings. your children will have there own inclinations in which case thrusting your opinion won't really be of much value.. in the end tawakul Allah. Don't gun me down -I'm not being passive, just sharing some alternative thoughts.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 11, 2006 01:46

that s a big question. Which is right and which is not so sure. According to my family experience I think arranged marriage needs a lot of effort of people who are making an effort to help their sister or daughter to marry. This effort is based on a lot of intelligence work to try know as much as possible about the other part by means of social relations in different context so that not to have a wrong idea based on the social protocol behavior to help their sister to understand the new environment she is going to.It is difficult nowadays as the society is no more based on tribes. the civil society if there are any is more complex and unpredictible. I am not married yet but I think I will not do it throur arrangement.
good luck



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Posted on Mon, Sep 11, 2006 01:46

that s a big question. Which is right and which is not so sure. According to my family experience I think arranged marriage needs a lot of effort of people who are making an effort to help their sister or daughter to marry. This effort is based on a lot of intelligence work to try know as much as possible about the other part by means of social relations in different context so that not to have a wrong idea based on the social protocol behavior to help their sister to understand the new environment she is going to.It is difficult nowadays as the society is no more based on tribes. the civil society if there are any is more complex and unpredictible. I am not married yet but I think I will not do it throur arrangement.
good luck



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Posted on Sun, Aug 27, 2006 04:29

good thought sister..i have allhumdolillah 3 gorgeous daughters...having been through hell n at the moment still going through it i would never make the same mistake as my mom did...i was married to a man whose mother my farther thought was a good women...he thought that she was a good women because each time he would go to her house she would be very nice to him[ my mother in law is my step sister in laws older sister] so he really didn't object when they asked for my hand in marriage...me being a good Muslim girl said yes just because my farther said yes...now i live in hell..he accuses me of black magic!,...something i cant stop laughing at yet iam also accused of other things..he married me to gain a citizenship n since he has been here he has sent money back home n has never given me what is my right n my kids...

so therefore when i get get my daughters married i will make sure that i get a private under cover inspector who will tell me things that i want to know...there are other wayz of finding out like talking to their relatives...theres always some who really have a lot to say!!!...but all in all I'm not getting my daughters married off to someone just like that...I'm very hard to please especially with what i am going through but i would never put my daughters through that!



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