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Positions of Co-Wives
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Posted on Sat, Mar 17, 2007 13:55

As salaamu alaikum,

I've come across a couple of profiles on this and other sites where the sisters state that they wouldn't mind being a co-wife if they are the first wife...? What does that mean? Does it really make a difference? I mean, all of the wives have the same status, so there isn't a position of having more importance than another. Could it be that you want to have spent more time with your husband before he marries again? Not sure on this about that because he can marry again at anytime. So could someone plz explain this concept to me?



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Posted on Tue, Apr 03, 2007 08:58

Agreed... the 1st wife, especially in US or UK is "credentialled" as the wife of record & so is at greater risk of being discarded in favor of the 2nd 3rd or 4th. An infertile 1st... or mother of only girls will be dumped by the Dog of a husband, who refuses to admit his own genetics are at fault.

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Posted on Sun, Mar 25, 2007 10:09

As salaamu alaikum,
Sisters do not have to wait until the next life in order to receive just in some ways, but that really applies to everyone. An nabi SAWS said help your brother even if he is an oppressor. The sahaabah asked how are we to help our brother who is an oppressor? An nabi SAWS said to advise him or to stop him from oppressing, I can't remember which. Anyway sister are their husbands wives so talk with him about how you feel. Most sister can't relay their feelings in speech that men truly understand, so write them if possible. There are too many ways of communicating with your husband. I guess this is another part that men will never understand...it is a cop-out to just throw in the towel so to speak, and say he won't listen, or he just doesn't understand. Your husband is your husband, and it will be that way until either one of you dies or throws in the towel.
It isn't just women who feel that the spouse won't listen or just doesn't understand. Sabr can be like a rope with embedded broken glass when dealing with your spouse, but that happens no matter how many wives the husband has. And sisters feel the same no matter how many wives are involved.
Any brother on here including myself who's ever been a kafr and their girl cheated on them knows the feelings of someone you "love" being with someone else. It's not the same as being married, but it is the closes thing I personaly know of to describe what most sisters talk about.
My advice for anybody in this boat is to seek refuge in Allah. We talk about being Muslim and how great it is, but we tend to forget that shayaatan and his clan do exist and one thing that pleases him the most is seperating the husband and wife. So Fatima like you said, small things become large, envy(the haraam kind) comes into play. Things start seeming as though they are one way when in fact they aren't. The list goes on but the point remains the same which is help my husband/wife obtain Jannah by adhereing to the Qur'an and Sunnah by the way of the 1st three generations understanding. This is our only path to success in all aspects of this life and the next. So a wife can advise her husband with proofs (in a good manner) that this isn't the path to success he is upon, or she feels based on what she's read.
And don't forget that we are to pray for our spouse, not against them along with sabr.
There are many locks, but Islam provides all of the keys. With Ikhas, sabr, 'ilm, and hikmah from both parties, there is no reason for failure wa Allahu Alim.



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Posted on Thu, Mar 22, 2007 10:34

Assalamualaikum

It is true that the 1st wife would definitely get her due rewards but humans being humans, one cannot help but feel the injustice received. It takes an extremely patient person to merely wait for the rewards in the Hereafter, without hoping for some gratifications in the meantime. And the 1st wife was not questioning if the travels were haraam. She was just highlighting the unbiased treatments from the husband.

It is difficult for brothers to understand this feeling of injustice because they will never find themselves in this situation where love and attention from the wife has to be shared with another brother!! Perhaps this is why most husbands cannot understand the female's anxieties and pain when her husband decides to take another wife. The giver and the taker will always be on the opposite ends of a situation.

The closest that a brother could perhaps relate to, would be like the situation of Co-Managers....where his boss takes another manager, equal in rank to him but younger and more vibrant. And the boss then seems to favour the new manager more. Previously, before the arrival of the new guy, he had his boss's total support and attention. But with the new guy, competition arises, petty details of difference in treatments noted, bitterness and envy arise.
No matter how noble the brother is, it would be inhuman to say that the addition would not have any effect on the older brother's feelings even the slightest bit.

And even if the boss were to deny there were any difference, they would still be unconvinced.

From personal experience, each time i engage a new manager i prepare for anticipated **warfares**, not from the business affairs, but from the bickerings and politics amongst the old and the new staff. If i were to agree with one, the other would get slighted. However in business i could at least alter my staff's duties and territories; but in a marriage, it is a different ball game altogether !!



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Posted on Wed, Mar 21, 2007 18:52

Pagaly this is the experience you have in coming into contact with these marriages? If so that is a real shame. Mine are the opposite walhamdulilah. Every marriage is going to have some sort of problems that have to be worked-out to achieve success. So if a man is going to walk over his wife, no matter when he married her, Allah u Akbar not him.
These examples just reminds us that Allah knew exactly what He was talking about when He described the punishment for those who are unjust to their wives.
Just a note Pagaly...not all of these marriages are as you have seen. Just like the bad muslims in this world get all of the air play, these bad marriages get all of the talk.



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Posted on Wed, Mar 21, 2007 18:45

as salaamu alaikum sisters,
In these type of situations, the sisters must understand that nothing that they contribute will be lost. Allah rewards the wife by whatever pleases Him to give her when she gives sadaqa to her family.
Now if this traveling was in the company of her husband or a mahram fine, but if not, then why is she complaining about something haraam?
Really it sounds like the other wife may have married only for the enjoyment of the wealth, but we haven't heard the other wife's side and Allah knows best.



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Posted on Tue, Mar 20, 2007 05:58

salam,

i can definatley understand the first wife, unfortunatley this happens whether the guy is successuful or not the first wife is in most occassions regard as a dog, where he can put the blame on and wipe his feet on the second wife is younger and supposidley more beautiful, therefore she is pampered.

i have come across very few men who are real men the rest are boyz, who like to fight over their toyz.



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Posted on Mon, Mar 19, 2007 10:38

Assalamualaikum

There is this saying: * Often a man owes his sucess to his first wife and his second wife to his sucess *

I don't know the answer personally as this thought never crossed my mind. In theory perhaps i could try to perceive the situation optimistically.

It shouldn't matter as long as there is peace in the marriage, genuine love n the husband treats me well. In fact i should view the time he spends with the other wives as a chance to do my own things like catching up on my reading, craft works, time with the kids, etc, so that when he does spend his time with me, i could give him my full attention.

But i just wanted to share what a first wife once told me when she discovered her husband had taken a 2nd wife.

She said she felt **short changed**

When they first got married, her husband was struggling in business. She had to make lots of sacrifices, helped in the business, contributed all her savings and her time, the anxieties from persistent creditors, her kids did not get full mother's attention, etc. Then the business flourished, her husband became a successful businness figure, and that enabled him to afford to take a new wife, when previously no lady would give him a second look.

The new wife is having an easier time compared to hers. She doesn't have to work, just live a life of leisure, spends her time at beauty salons, or having high tea with frens n she has travelled all over europe with the husband, when the furthest the 1st wife had gone was only to Thailand. So the first wife felt this is such an injustice.

But being the first wife had its advantage. She had some say in the husband's business. So she freezed his spending power. It caused friction in the 2nd marriage. The husband eventually divorced the 2nd wife and returned devoutedly to her - the first wife.

So perhaps, it is somewhat of a security issue to wish to be the first wife, especially when husbands may fail to keep their side of the bargain ?? :p



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